My Mis-Education, part 1

originally written 2014

How does one begin to explain the first experience of learning?  Those first conscious moments where the individual human being begins to not only see the world, but to know the world and to give it meaning. 

When are these moments?  What is it that we really learn as children? 

For most of us our formative education comes as coaxing instruction from the immediate circles of our family, often a mother or father, teaching first words, how to dress, table manners, and the simple difference between wrong and right.  No doubt this socialization process can be benign, at times even pleasant. 

But often parental instruction is delivered as a half-articulate, hands-shaking rebuke, rather than a time for teaching. 

I am reminded of a Toni Morrison novel where the child narrator exclaims, “Adults do not talk to us – they give us directions.  They issue orders without providing information...We do not, cannot, know the meaning of all their words…So we watch their faces, their hands, their feet, and listen for truth in timbre.” (1)

I think my first lesson learned was negation, the negative – thou shalt not!  For me the word “no” and its derivatives were perhaps the greatest early lesson, often accompanied by raised voices, stern looks, threats, and sometimes, physical violence. 

Nothing teaches a child what is right or wrong so effectively as the swat of a spoon, the slap of a hand, the strike of a belt, or the snap of a cord.  This type of education is pure Pavlov: do right and be praised, or do wrong and be punished.  A kid learns the “right” path soon enough just to avoid being hit. 

The almighty NO is a powerful incentive for learning to be sure. The knowledge gained a hard-earned prize. But ultimately, these negative lessons that we learn as children are for the benefit of society and parents, not for us as individuals. We are socialized, not for our own good, but for the good defined by the power of authority and tradition.

The threat of violence is perhaps the basis of all human morality and civilized law, as a cursory glance at most major world religions and judicial penal codes will demonstrate.  I grew up in a strict Evangelical Protestant home.  The most important lesson that my father taught to me was found in the immortal words of Solomon, the wise king of the ancient Israelites: “The fear of the Lord is the beginning of knowledge: but fools despise wisdom and instruction.” (2)

And as any good Christian child would know, the Biblical Jehovah was a sadistic and jealous god who gave life sentences of pain and suffering to Adam and Eve for disobedience, demanded death for disrespecting one’s father, gloried in bloodshed and war, and gave the ancient Israelites a blessed promised land only if they would first massacre every man, woman, child, and beast who happened to already live there. 

Then there are the later additions of the New Testament, largely influenced by the legalist mentality of St. Paul who told children to obey their parents, wives to obey their husbands, and slaves to obey their masters.  And finally, there is the bloody vision of St. John, who dreamed up a holocaust at the end of history when every non-Christian would be subjected to various horrors during the last days and then tortured in the fires of hell for eternity. 

If that is not enough to give a child nightmares, I’m not sure what would. 

I learned early on that God’s divine and eternal punishment was something to be feared at a visceral level.  I was terrified of God, always scared that I would cross some unknown line and risk an eternity of torture.  I would wake up some nights petrified. 

I knew the anguish of an indeterminate and capricious salvation by my Lord’s grace.  My fear of God instilled something akin to what Sigmund Freud once called das Uber-Ich, often translated as the “Over-I” or “super-ego.”  I had a nagging voice of right and wrong mysteriously placed in my subconscious mind.

I was driven by the terror of divine retribution and social approbation.  We do “right” not because we want to.  We do “right” because we fear the consequences of doing “wrong.”

The flip-side to this subliminal injunction is a type of pleasure.  I think most children find it inherently pleasing to acquiesce to authority, groveling before those same dominating figures who dispense punishment. 

Most of us are taught to embrace the ingratiating self-effacement of bowing low to those with the power to crush us: parents, priests, police, school principals, and popular peers.  This strong social tendency is perhaps more noticeable in Asian cultures where the bow and differential forms of address still sanction a strict social hierarchy.

But every society has hierarchical structures of power and the accompanying relationships of respect and deference.  There is a socialized satisfaction that comes through the self-denial needed to appease the higher authority. 

The naturalness of authority and privilege are instilled in us at an early age.  We this demonstrated in the differential power relations between parents and child, which are based on the traditional power dynamics of God and man, king and subject, ruler and ruled.  One does “right” to earn a pat on the head, a smile, or the praise of the powerful. 

This is the tyrant’s strength.  An Italian Marxist called it hegemony.  It is the soft power exercised through the willing cooperation of the lowly who want to please their master, subconsciously fearing to do otherwise. 

I believe this unspoken and often unnoticed power dynamic is a central part of human relationships.  It has been represented and explained in various theoretical concepts over the past century by Sigmund Freud, Antonio Gramsci, and Michele Foucault.  We do what is right because we know it is right and because it is policed by the powerful.  We cannot do otherwise. 

We dare not do otherwise. 

We consciously and subconsciously know the structures of authority that envelope and restrain us.  Thus, for thousands of years, the basis of human knowledge and right action was fear of the various lords who ruled over subject populations: God, King, tribal Chief, and Father.

My parents were good people, acting on what they thought was right.  They raised their children the best they could with the knowledge and experience they had.  They were God’s agents, acting on behalf of the distant liege they worshiped.  They were to be respected and they were to be feared in their capacity to dispense justice, punishment, and love. 

I wanted to please them, I really did. 

But there was also something perverse at the very core of my being.  I had an insatiable curiosity.  I also had a penchant for experimentation.  I was deeply interested in life and different forms of experience. 

There was a deep injunction in my subconscious that told me certain words, deeds, even thoughts were prohibited.  But I could not help fantasizing about their possibility, and sometimes indulging in the taboo.  I was often told that these thoughts and inclinations were the work of the devil who often tried to temp and snare the unwary.  But I had a hard time understanding how the devil could seem so connected to my innermost being. 

The devil seemed to be such a natural part of my body that I was never sure who was in control.  St. Paul’s injunction to hate the flesh and the distractions of the sinful world were constantly uttered in my household.  But the devilment of my inclinations was hard to deny, so the reprimands and stern warnings of God’s agents seemed tyrannical, and early on I developed a split personality. 

Because of this split personality, I learned to wear a mask.  I needed to present an external demeanor that would deliver what was expected of me – my public self.  This public self was also subconsciously tutored by an inner voice of right and wrong that was constantly reinforced by parents, pastors, and the words of God. 

As I grew older, I was instructed more fully in Protestant theology, grounded on a literal and thorough reading of the Bible.  My inner voice of right and wrong became melded with my conception of God’s righteous presence.  My parents and pastor fostered this association, as they would often justify their judgments by explicit reference to Bible as the final and ultimate source of authority. 

I grew to respect and strive for the “right,” while fearing the consequences of the “wrong.”  Morality also came to seem quite natural, albeit not a perfect fit.  My public self was my ideal self, and I often strove to be righteous. 

I lived in a clear moral universe composed of black and white truths.  I was lovingly and firmly led by the Holy Book.  I was constantly watched by the knowing disciples of God.  And I felt always under the discerning gaze of my inherited Lord.

 

References  

(1) Toni Morrison, The Bluest Eye (1970; reprint, New York, 2007), 10, 15.

(2) Proverbs 1:7, Kings James Bible.

My Mis-Education, part 2

originally written 2014

I’ve always felt a sense of at least two selves.  Growing up, I was instructed to be the good boy.  I self-consciously conformed to what others expected me to be.  But there was also another self.  A deeper, not fully conscious, more comfortable, yet somewhat dangerous self – my inner self. 

I’ve always had a perverse inclination to seek out the unknown, and to experiment.  One of my earliest childhood memories, reinforced by the anecdotes of my parents, was of a child of three or four reaching for the door to the outside, opening it, and breaking free of the confines of home to explore the great unknown.  I did not get far, but I did get out. 

I’ve always had the need to reach, to get out.  But not all doors are so easily opened, and the social gatekeepers are always close behind.  Those moments of getting out, of exploring, were the most educative and exciting times of my youth – they were also taboo, and strictly prohibited.  

I had many friends growing up.  My close friends were not church going folk.  If they were, they were not outwardly pious or domineering about their faith.  I spent as much time as I could outside my own home.  Visiting the houses of my friends, I encountered the unknown, the explicitly taboo, the dangerous – the devil. 

I reveled in everything that I was forbidden at home.  I listened to popular music, songs about sex, drugs, and violence.  I read risky literature: Mad Magazine, fantasy novels, and science fiction.  I gaped at pornography.  I watched television, including the newly invented evils of MTV and HBO.  I hung out with girls, flirted, and played not so innocent games of physical exploration.  I talked about sex and other naughty things.  I used profanities and scatological humor.  I snuck into unlocked liquor cabinets, wondered at the strangeness of condoms, and choked on the bittersweet smoke of a stolen cigarette. 

Life seemed pregnant with possibility, yet always with the hint of danger.  My friends and I consciously stalked at the perimeters of morality, taboo, and legality.  We tried to break our way into adulthood, which was for us prohibited, but we still tried.  I learned to sneak, to hide, to skulk.

But for most of my childhood, these moments of transgression were few.  I was usually stuck at home.  I could not often leave the house, and when I could, it was only with permission.  My parents were quite explicit that I always ask to leave my immediate neighborhood.  There were always restrictions and curfews when I was allowed to roam abroad. 

Most of the time I was confined to my house or my immediate neighborhood.  Yet I still found ways to escape.  I would activate my imagination and lock myself in fantasy worlds, either in my toy-filled room or in the open fields behind our house.  Alone, I created the imaginary conditions of an impossible freedom, which were inspired by those fictional stories that animated my life.  I would be the knight, the soldier, the explorer, the king, the builder, or I would just roam the fields and forests with fantastic visions of other worlds, other times, other ways of being. 

But my ability to experiment and indulge in this inner self was limited.  Not only did my parents police my activities, but being born in a lower-middle class family, I learned that many types of experience were beyond my grasp.  Outside of fearing God, I learned to fear the lack of money and the pain, suffering, or denial that it could bring.  But I never had to go without basic necessities.  My parents always provided their children with more than enough to survive, and extra besides. 

I was fortunate to live such a comfortable life.  However, there were many luxuries that seemed like necessities to a child, as the power of peer groups and social status become more and more important at school.  Yet unlike many of my other friends, these luxuries were almost always denied to me and I deeply felt the want of such things.

The experience of economic deprivation was both humbling and frustrating.  I was of course frustrated in not being able to join my peers at movies, soccer camps, skiing in the mountains, concerts, or holiday trips.  I was also often embarrassed when I could not do small things, like go to the movies, go out to dinner, or have the fashionable attire on the sports field or at school. 

I especially felt the want during the early years of high school when I did not have a car and had no prospects of getting one.  Eventually my grandmother gave me her old 1974 Chevy Malibu, which had a good engine, but it was a rusty old-boat.  I was teased to no end, not only for the car itself, but also for the modest amenities I added to hide the damaged interior, like blue carpet (in a brown car) to cover up the cracked dashboard and rusty floors.  But at least I had a car.  Some of my friends did not.

Outside of the indignities of want, I was humbled by the fact that industrious and frugal people, like my parents and a great many others, worked very hard and long hours just to scrape by.  I learned to work hard, save my money, and to appreciate those times when small luxuries could be purchased and enjoyed. 

As a kid, I always had to do chores around the house, several hours a week, to earn basic privileges, like watching t.v. or earning time with my friends.  I also had to work part-time during high school, at jobs I hated, just to pay for small luxuries of my life, like gas and maintenance for my car, going to the movies, going out to dinner, or for a case of cheap beer. 

I was a manual laborer, and had I not fought my way out of my destiny, I would have always been a manual laborer.  From my first job mowing lawns at the age of twelve until I was a sophomore in college, I worked with my hands doing low-paid odd jobs that were physically demanding, and often dirty work. 

Even in graduate school, I sometimes did manual labor during the summers to earn extra cash.  I have mowed lawns and fields, dug ditches, cleaned toilets, mopped floors, vacuumed carpets, cut and nailed timber, hauled trash and debris, landscaped yards, built houses, painted barns, and harvested Christmas trees.  I've worked through pouring rain, freezing snow, and scorching heat.  Most of my bosses were skilled, but poorly paid contractors who worked every day from dusk to dawn with very little to show for it. 

I hated this type of work.  I hated the sweat and the dirt and the pain of sore hands and sore muscles at the end of the day.  I vowed early on that I would do something more with my life.  Somehow, if I worked very hard, I might become economically free one day.   

So, unlike most of my friends, I tried to save the little money I earned in hopes of a better life.  While I cherished the freedom and happiness that it could buy, I also feared the constraints and embarrassments of its absence.  I worked hard and never spent idly.  This regimen only intensified during college.

My childhood was constantly policed: by parents, by priests, and by my own powerlessness.  The perimeters of my being were guarded and the inclinations of my inner self confined.  But I still struggled against this confinement. 

I yearned to be free.  I yearned to do as I wished.  And, on various occasions, I did break free, if only for a few moments. 

But once my parents became aware of my dalliances with the dark side of my nature, they became ever more firm, watchful, restrictive.  Certain friends were prohibited.  Social activities were closely monitored.  I was forbidden “secular” music or movies.  The few tapes and magazines that I had smuggled into the house were confiscated and made an example of God’s power. 

Once, I sat with my father watching my cherished contraband burn in the fire.  We both half-expected demons screaming and rising from the ashes because my father had told me that such occurrences really did happen. 

I was forbidden most television shows.  Books brought home from the library were censored.  Those deemed un-Godly were confiscated and returned.  Visiting the homes of school friends was strictly regulated.  Without much power to rebel, I was often reduced to a smoldering fury of feeble rage, carefully waiting for a chance to be free - someday. 

As a boy, I was very practical.  Openly rebelling was not an option.  Such insolence would have been beaten out of me, and what little freedom I had would have been reduced to nothing.  I learned that sanity meant giving into the might of the powerful. 

Most of the time, I let my unobtainable dreams of freedom float away.  I spent my childhood living up to my public self, scrutinized by the gaze of protective parents and a wrathful God.  I tried to become a good Christian boy, which basically meant loving Jesus and doing what I was told. 

Gradually I embraced the religious life of my parents.  There was no other option.  Just as Kafka’s ape embraced the imposition of human nature, I embraced Christianity as my only way out.

Up until high school I faithfully went to church two days a week, sometimes more.  The congregation met every Wednesday and Sunday, supplemented with extra services, meetings, community service, and social activities.  I was an active and highly respected member of the congregation – largely, I might add, because my parents held leadership positions in the church. 

My parents were extremely active in the myriad activities of the church, which meant I was extremely active as well.  As a dutiful son, I did my best to live up to the esteemed stature of my parents.  I tried to make them proud. 

I was a founding member of the church youth group.  I helped start a Christian hip-hop band.  I was actively involved in community service, especially projects that benefited the needy members of our congregation.  I taught Sunday school to toddlers (my first real teaching experience).  I was a camp counselor for Bible camps.  I was called upon every now and again to help issue the Holy Communion or take up the collection during a Sunday service. 

And on many occasions, Bible in hand, I went on evangelical missions near and far to help save souls for Christ.  All in all, I seemed to be a model Christian.  Much of the time I actually believed that I was a faithful child of God. 

But throughout these times of professed piety, I also indulged in my perverse, private self.  I found ways to sneak contraband into the house (books, movies, music, and magazines).  I had many impure thoughts, obsessively thinking about sex, as all young boys do.  I privately criticized certain aspects of Christianity that seemed unrealistic or overly harsh.  And at times I even questioned the reality of God. 

I relished those times when I was away from my parent’s confining gaze, especially in the company of secular friends, or even with my more liberal Christian fiends.  Ultimately, I had troubling questions.  I also had an insatiable curiosity, as well as a growing rebelliousness that bubbled up from the darkness within. 

Yet I retained my pious mask.  I tried to find comfort in the rigid confines of Christianity.  But always my imagination held hope for a different way of life.  I dreamt of the possibility of broader freedom.  

My parents no doubt suspected the darker side of my nature.  At around the age of thirteen they locked me in an existential cell.  My parents decided to pull me away from the snares of the secular world and cloister me in the confines of a strictly Christian education.

I was to be home schooled. 

Without much time to react, I was withdrawn from the public school system halfway through 7th grade.  My parents didn’t even wait for winter break.  I was quite upset by this decision and forcefully tried to block its implementation.  I even threatened to run away.  But eventually I acquiesced because in reality, as in every other area of my life, I was quite powerless. 

I had no choice.  I had nowhere else to go and no other way to survive.  My parents held all the cards and I was smart enough to know that I was beat.  All my secular school friends quickly disappeared.  We moved to a new house.  Although still living in the same city, I felt worlds away from my former life.

Academically speaking, home schooling was a waste of my time and talents.  I languished.  I was also socially isolated.  My weeks were filled with monotonous routine.  

I was indoctrinated every day with a Bible-based curriculum (Christian English, Christian math, Christian art, and Christian history), supplemented by reading the Bible (in case I didn’t get enough from the rest of the curriculum).  My extracurricular activities included going to church, volunteering for church-related activities, or sometimes visiting other home-schooled families from our church.  Had I completely conformed to this educational regime, I most certainly would have turned into a monk.  I’m sure that would have pleased my parents.

Most of the curriculum was designed by an Evangelical Protestant publishing company.  It consisted of a series of workbooks and fill-in-the-blank tests, which ritualized a very superficial fact-oriented knowledge.  Although given its clear Christian bias, much of the “factual” content was merely pre-packaged bite-sized dogma

The history book was somewhat different.  I read a large textbook, which used a Biblical literalism to re-tell five thousand years of Western history from a Christian point of view.  Yes, in case you’re wondering, the dawn of history begins with God creating the heavens and the Earth in six days.  I wonder how it ended…

The remaining part of my curriculum was more laborious and boring.  I had to read the Bible cover to cover once a year – on top of the verse by verse reading of the Bible in church twice a week.  In case you haven’t managed to read this entire book, it’s overrated as literature and quite vague as a spiritual handbook for modern life.  Perhaps that’s why my father’s bookshelves were filled with Biblical commentaries on every facet of this baffling book.  Even the faithful get confused by its incoherence and contradictions. 

God’s Word penetrated my daily being.  It pervaded my consciousness.  It seeped into my skin.  Even as a middle-aged man, I still sometimes sweat the Bible out of my pours.

I was home schooled for about three years.  During that time, I was intellectually starved, socially isolated (except for church related activities), and generally board.  I hated it.  I had friends at church I enjoyed, especially when I could escape my own house and sleep over, but the rest of my life was largely a nightmare. 

And as all prisoners do, I acquiesced to the confinement. I settled into an acceptable routine.  I was smart (and devious) enough to realize that the home school curriculum was a joke.  So, by the second year of my prison sentence, I secretly rebelled against the absurdity of my existence.  Every morning I took both my work books and the answer key.  I didn’t bother to read the textbooks.  I just used the answer key to fill in the blanks and circle the correct answers.  The history book was a bit more fun because I loved to read and I liked history.  I managed to read this text book and write several essays.  I would have liked to skip the Bible reading, but my father always asked about the scriptures, so every day I breezed through a couple chapters of the Bible without much thought. 

This was my educational routine for the next two years.  Cheat, read the Bible, go through the motions.  I became so efficient that I was finished with “school” by mid-morning.   

Thankfully, I finished the bullshit quickly, and I had most of the day to myself.  I usually sat in my room, pretending to study, and let my imagination run free.  I listened to music, daydreamed, and sometimes thought about the future. 

Mostly I used the time to read, often contraband books from the public library that I snuck into the house.  As a young boy I loved fantasy novels with sword play, strange creatures, and heroic journeys.  I remember the Lord of the Rings trilogy was my favorite.  I read this trilogy and The Hobbit at least once a year.  I also checked out other books from the library that were more traditionally educational, like biographies and history books.  I’ve always had a fascination with the past. 

Books became a window into another world, exposing me to various forms of life that I was denied.  I read to feel alive.  I read to escape.

My First Real Education, part 3

Discovering Books and Reading My Way Out

originally written 2014

There was a distinct irony to home schooling, which only I could enjoy.  While my parents planned my indoctrination with a Christian curriculum, I used most of my “school” days to read secular books and engage with the devil. 

I loved to read.  It was the only way to develop my sense self freely, feed my intellect, and escape the confines of my prison.  I taught myself during these years.  For much of my youth, I was an autodidact. 

My education was gleaned through reading whatever books I could get my hands on.  I subverted the educational intentions of my parents, and explored the world through books, often secretly checked out from the library and snuck into the house.  In the process, I learned how to learn. 

I learned despite a boring and oppressive curriculum.  I learned without teachers.  I learned without a school.  I discovered an impressive gift during these years, which would permanently define my ethos.  As the philosopher Robert Nozick once said, "We are not identical with the books we read, but neither would we be the same without them." (1)

Love of reading was actually an inherited trait, learned through the example of my father.  I remember my father did two things every Sunday: he went to church and he bought a newspaper.  In every house we lived, my father’s books were always in prominent display on large bookshelves.  Some of my earliest memories are shelves perfectly lined with books. 

Subconsciously, books will always feel like home to me.  My father spent hours every night studying the Bible or reading newspapers.  In our house, books were a constant presence and reading was a holy activity.  Like manuscripts in Medieval times, I grew up believing that books were a "precious object." (2)

So, reading became second nature.  It was a way to conform.  But more importantly, it was also a means of escape. 

During my home school years, I began to use most of my free time to explore my father’s books, spending countless hours slipping my finger over each volume.  Some were historical books filled with pictures from the Civil War, the 1960s, or maps of ancient Rome.  There was an abridged Oxford English Dictionary and countless other reference books. 

Some books were old classics, like Dickens, Thackeray, and Kipling.  There was even a complete works of Shakespeare, each volume separately bound in blue leather.  I would dabble reading these, working more on Dickens and Shakespeare than the others.

Most of the books were Christian, in one way or another.  My father owned several Bibles.  There was the King James, the Latin Vulgate, the New Revised Standard edition, Bibles with commentary, Bibles with maps, study Bibles, abridged Bibles, and devotional Bibles.  He also had hundreds of commentaries on the Bible, devotional studies, or idealized testimonials about being a Christian. 

There was even a multi-volume series that claimed to decode the prophetic books of the Bible.  These books were somewhat frightening because they prophesied the “end times” of the apocalypse when Jesus would come back on a white horse to judge mankind and send the damned to hell.  For decades, I was programed by my parents to believe that the world was ending soon.

Some books used Evangelical Protestant readings of the Bible to debunk other religions, explaining how Muslims, Jews, Mormons, and everyone else were destined for hell because they worshiped false gods.  Some books described America as the province of Satan, filled with atheists, feminists, gays – the whole host of the damned. 

Some books described America as a Christian nation, pointing out how every notable American believed in Jesus, from George Washington to George Bush.  There were also Christian novels. Some were classics, like Bunyan’s Pilgrim’s Progress or C. S. Lewis’s The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe.  Many were modern Christian novels. 

The most interesting Christian novels focused on “spiritual wars” between demons and angels.  These books told lurid tales of unscrupulous liberals, drug-addicted celebrities, and vicious abortion doctors.  The most frighteningly vivid novels explained the torturous violence of the apocalypse, which my father told us, again and again, was looming in the near future.

Once I became acquainted with the religious nature of my father’s books, they largely lost their luster.  Even at the time, as a young boy, I sensed how silly many of these books were.  But there were some other books that caught my attention. 

Deep within the bowels of this mountain of Christian literature laid an unnoticed and surprising corner of dusty books.  For many years I passed them over because I did not recognize the authors and I could not classify their content based upon the titles.  Then one day I happened to open one.  I’m not sure why my father had these books.  I never bothered to ask.  They must have been from elective courses in college.  Yet, unlike most of his other college books, which he gave away or destroyed, he saved these books for some reason.  I don’t know why.  But it was a fateful decision. 

At first, I did not completely grasp the meaning of these books.  Upon my father’s self, I found Friedrich Nietzsche’s The Birth of Tragedy and The Genealogy of Morals, Thomas Hobbes’ Leviathan, Henry David Thoreau’s Walden Pond, Ralph Ellison’s Invisible Man, J. D. Salinger’s Catcher in the Rye, Herman Melville’s Moby Dick, and Nathaniel Hawthorne’s The Scarlet Letter

After several readings, these books slowly opened up not only other worlds, but they also opened up a sense of self, and began to inspire a purpose.  My true education began at last. 

As a philosopher once recalled, "The substance of my being has been informed by the books I learned to care for.  They accompany me every minute of every day of my life, making me see much more and be much more than I could have seen or been." (3) I too felt this way.  I will always feel this way.  These books, and many others, would awaken me from a deep existential slumber.  They would help clarify my own existence and open up a world of possibilities.  I carry the words of these childhood books still written in my mind, burning in my heart. 

These books would eventually change my life, but it took a while.  Most were quite difficult to understand.  I had to read them all more than once.  I remember trying to read Ellison’s Invisible Man the first time at the age of thirteen.  I was disappointed when it was not about an invisible man, or any other super hero with special powers.  I lost interest and dropped the book on my floor. 

But after a few months I got bored and picked it up again.  It was difficult and strange.  The cruelty of the battle royal was very alarming.  But I was drawn in by the narrator, a young black boy trying to find his place in a hostile white world.  I will forever remember those words written on the assumed letter of recommendation as he traveled north to escape the racist prison of the South, “keep this boy running.”  Here was a character searching for wholeness, searching for identity, searching for freedom, and nobody could help him – nobody would help him.  He literally finds that he has no place in the corrupt, crazy world, living underground by the end of the book, relishing the alienated freedom of his invisibility. 

That message struck me deeply and helped me understand my own situation. 

I read the Catcher in the Rye shortly after.  Again, a young protagonist searching for a way out of the false and confining world of school, adults, and meaningless existence.  This book was much easier to read.  And like Ellison's book, it hit me on a visceral level, speaking to my condition. 

After reading these two books I was significantly changed, although I couldn’t put my transformation into words.  It was more of an unconscious feeling.  I spent many afternoons pondering the meaning of these books and the meaning of my life. 

I knew that I was not alone.  Others had felt my alienation, my disappointment, my confinement.  Others had searched for freedom.  Through these fictionalized stories I found my self, waiting.  Unexpectedly, I found my self in the prose of another.

I was caught off guard.  I did not expect literature to communicate so clearly and to penetrate my self so powerfully.  Up until this point, most of the secular books I had snuck into the house were a diversion, an escape from reality – they were fun. 

Ellison and Salinger were different.  These books were more difficult to read.  The plot was not always exciting.  The messages were more obscure.  It was almost like reading the Bible.  Actually, I came to realize that it was like reading the Bible.  Just like the Holy Book, these works of literature were also holy books because they held meaning, deeply hidden, but waiting for the patient and active reader. 

In these holy books, there were deep and cryptic lessons on the human condition.  These books described a reality and an experience that was very different from my own, yet there were profound similarities.  As M. H. Abrams once explained, "In a receptive reading of the text as literature...we participate from the inside with subjectivities very different from our own - the subjectivities both of the author and of the characters that the author has bodied forth - and so are enabled to see ourselves as others see us, to see others as they see themselves, and to acknowledge in others some part of ourselves." (4)

I read about myself in these works of fiction.  In these books, I found my own experience, my own longings, my own fears, my own dreams.  I was the invisible man.  I was Holden Caulfield. 

For some time, I had been searching for an identity and a place in the world.  These books communicated truths that helped me to understand and articulate my inner self.  Books also provided a link through the past with other people who wrestled with similar experiences and problems.  I did not just read books, as the philosopher Montaigne once explained, I discussed and dialogued with the dead as contemporaries, as friends.

It would be a year later when I opened the pages of Thoreau’s Walden.  At several times I almost stopped reading because the book was so difficult, but for some reason I kept coming back.  I sensed that there was something – something that I needed to find in those pages.  I felt urgency and impatience in Thoreau’s tone.  I intuited a deep wisdom underlying his conversational prose. 

It was as if this man was reaching through history, shaking me from a slumber, and trying to teach some hidden truth.  And then I found it.  I found a truth I will always carry with me. 

Thoreau said to me, “I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, to live deep, to suck out the marrow of life, to put to route all that was not life, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.” 

As a boy, these words hit me like a hammer.  I was anguished in my prison, realizing how I had not yet lived.  I was stillborn.  I had been wasting time playing empty games dictated by adults.  My life was planned according to a pattern that chaffed and cut my inner self. 

I felt transformed.  For the first time my inner self felt legitimated and strangely powerful.  I resolved to breathe after my own fashion.  Let others be damned, I would see who was the strongest!  I began to see life as a gift. 

Despite external dictates and expectations, I realized life was mine to live as I would make it.  My life was clay.  I could form it according to my own design.  I realized that Thoreau too had been trapped by the confines of tyrants.  He too had been kept from living freely.  But he rebelled against his fate.  He made an exodus to the woods, sought out his true self, and managed to live deliberately at great personal cost. 

“What concerns me now,” wrote Thoreau's friend Margret Fuller, “is that my life be a beautiful, powerful, in a word, a complete life.” (5)  I would read Fuller’s much later in my life, but these words express the profound aspiration I had upon reading Thoreau for the first time.   

Thoreau, Ellison, and Salinger gave voice to the rebel inside.  I was inspired with a vision of another type of existence.  I vowed to dig more deeply into life’s mystery and find my own way. 

But who was I? 

How should I live? 

I knew nothing.  I was totally ignorant about that which really mattered.  So, until I could find my way, I became more actively rebellious, breaking the chains that bound my ability to be me. 

I was at the beginning of a quest to live deliberately. 

I wanted to discover my self and test the boundaries of being.  I had found a way out, but I was not yet free.  I realized that I could not act until I had broken away from the confinement of home schooling.  I waited patiently for the first flower of freedom quickly budding within.  I longed for high school because it would be my escape.


References  

(1) Robert Nozick, The Examined Life (New York, 1989), 15.

(2) Lucien Febvre and Henri-Jean Martin, The Coming of the Book: The Impact of Printing, 1450-1800 (London, 2010), 104.

(3) Allan Bloom, The Closing of the American Mind (Touchstone, 1988), 245.  I agree with Nussbaum that books can become false authorities and that, quoting Seneca, there should be "a space between you and the book" (35).  However, I disagree when Nussbaum says that "books are not 'alive'" and that they display a "inflexible sameness, addressing very different people, always in the same way" (34).  Instead, I agree with Ralph Waldo Emerson who argued that books can communicate a person's ethos and experience, and that we can interact with a book as living thought.  See Martha C. Nussbaum, Cultivating Humanity: A Classical Defense of Reform in Liberal Education (Cambridge, MA, 1997), 34-35.

(4) M. H. Abrams, "The Transformation of English Studies: 1930-1995," American Academic Culture in Transformation, Thomas Bender and Carl E. Schorske, eds. (Princeton, 1997), 147.

(5) Margret Fuller, Woman in the Nineteenth Century, ed. Larry J. Reynolds (New York, 1997).

My Mis-Education in High School, part 4

The Hidden Curriculum of High School

originally written 2014

Out of paternal sense of love and duty, my education was planned and my life dictated.  Certainly, the prison of home schooling was built for my protection, but like a son of fallen Adam, I vowed to test the laws of God.  When divine punishment was not forthcoming, my transgressive spirit stretched further. 

By the time I was sixteen, I had been born again.  Despite being baptized by my pastor in the river as an outward sign of my forced devotion, I came up through the cold water alienated and confused.  I was dancing to the warden’s tune, while plotting my escape.  But I had nowhere to run. 

I was trying to find a way out.  Freedom would come slowly.  But even when I found some semblance of freedom, deliberate living would still be far away.  The freedom found during high school and the early years of college turned out to be a mixed blessing. 

During these years, I found a freedom from the restrictive boundaries of my youth.  But I was only rebelling against the dictates of others, while exercising a blind volition.  I had no freedom to live my life as I wanted. 

To make matters worse, I didn’t even know what I wanted.  Although less restricted, I was directionless.  Instead of living deliberately, I drifted mindlessly. 

Seeking a journey for truth, I became intoxicated by freedom and succumbed to wanderlust.  Eagerly breaking away from youthful prisons, my exodus stalled in the deserts of experimentation and transgression.  

When I was sixteen, my parents allowed me to re-enter secular society.  I had forcefully demanded from the start of home schooling that I would return to a normal life one day.  Half-tamed by my captivity, I had matured and embraced my public self. 

I was a good Christian boy.  I had been publicly confirmed and congratulated by the whole congregation.  I had been baptized in the river and my sins had been washed away.  I had proved my merits and acted the part of a good Christian boy so completely that a great trust was extended. 

My parents felt secure in the external signs of my religiosity.  They were no doubt sure that I had been fully converted.  I had become a faithful follower of Christ, so a return to public schooling seemed sensible and safe.  In the fall of 1991, I was enrolled in senior high school as a sophomore.

As far as anyone knew, I was a model Christian – baptized with water and “on fire” with the blood of the lamb.  I half-believed it myself at times.  I certainly played the part.  This had been my only way out of the tyranny of my home.  Sent to Biblical boot-camp for the past few years and geared up in the armor of the Lord, my parents believed I had internalized a spiritual discipline.  They believed that I had become a soldier for Christ.  

They assumed that my faith would withstand the snares of the secular world.  But unbeknownst to them, I had already undergone a secular transformation.  Before high school began, I was already losing my religion. 

I was in a paradoxical position.  Like Werner Heisenberg once acknowledged, "If someone were to say that I had not been a Christian, he would be wrong.  But if someone were to say that I had been a Christian, he would be saying too much." (1)

I had kept up appearances, diligently polishing the Christian façade, but internally this public face had cracked.  During high school this façade would to crumble.  I would come to sacrifice Christ for the secular sacraments of sex, alcohol, and rock & roll.  My new secular environment unleashed a devilish spirit, and over the next few years I would let this beast run wild. 

Being an adolescent in a public high school was tough.  Actually, it was excruciatingly painful.  I was caught between two senses of self: the good Christian boy, an established public identity that I had worn over the last three years, and another identity that grew from my inner self, which was emerging in this new secular environment. 

I didn’t know who I was and I didn’t understand the new game I had entered.  I was unsure how seriously I needed to take my schooling because high school seemed like a joke.  Most of my peers treated the routines of schooling like a suburban crosswalk: you only follow the rules and walk between the lines on those rare occasions when police are watching; the rest of the time you do as you please and break the law at will. 

Despite the outward rituals of schooling, I quickly sensed my peers were playing a game that had nothing to do with education - a game that adults didn't understand.  Living at the borders of a complex social ecology, I was lost and baffled.  I didn’t fit and I didn’t know the rules.  I didn’t know how to dress, how to speak, how to act.  I had no friends. 

At first, high school was a Darwinian jungle, all predators and prey.  I was fresh meat, trying not to be eaten alive.  I was isolated in a hostile environment.  Playing school under the prying eyes of teachers and parents was the easy part.  Classes were simple, teachers were accommodating, and exams were surprisingly easy.  The harder test was learning how to survive and thrive in the savage social world of the teenage animal kingdom. 

The routines of schooling mask a hidden curriculum.  Teachers rarely acknowledge its existence, but students intuitively understand and comply.  Beneath the academic facade lies subtle rituals and a fight for social status.  Socialization is the primary imperative of the institution called we call “school,” not education in its broader scope, nor training in the narrower sense. 

Yet schooling in America is not socialization into the adult world.  Instead, students are coddled by a rosy idyllic garden during elementary school only to be later thrown into a cruel teenage pantomime of American society: a status-driven, class-based, red in tooth and claw struggle for power and fame.

Living in the northwestern United States, in Oregon, elementary schools seemed to provide a homogenizing social experience.  Ethnic, class, religious, and personal differences were boxed out by an ideology of friendship, fairness, and follow the leader.  More than literacy and mathematics, elementary schools drilled a deeper lesson: following directions and living peacefully with your peers. 

Grade school teachers socialized kids into thinking that we all live in one big happy family led harmoniously by the adults in control of our lives.  As long as we do as we’re told, play nice, and treat everyone fairly, then all is well in world.  Of course, this is all a lie.  We live in an ethnically diverse, morally fractured, competitive, caste-based, racist, existentially seething, alienating society where not everyone has an equal chance to succeed and never will. 

The idyllic ideology of Eden taught in grade school begins to crack by junior high and the lies began to fall before a harsh reality.  Kids begin to realize the real world is unfair and brutal so they begin to treat each other accordingly.  The social fissions and corruption of the adult world collide with the natural rebelliousness and experimentation of adolescence. 

By the time teenagers have begun to scratch out their identity, navigate the expectations of maturity, and advance towards the inner mystery of adulthood, the world reveals itself in all its contradiction and cruelty.  For most the veil is lifted by the age of sixteen, if not earlier.  The horror of horrors lie exposed. 

Kids realize the part they must play in the savage circus we call society.  As the fictional Vernon Little exclaims about the "lie-world" children live within, "The truth is a corrosive thing...The Human Condition...Watch out for that fucker." (2) Reality bites! 

High school is the institutionalized fall from grace.  It is a slaughter house.  Teenagers find their childhood gouged out, blindly falling over the next few years into the razored webs of adulthood.  Easily corrupted by the dim hope of freedom, most teenagers eagerly rage to embrace the dying of their light, but not all. 

Some grasp hard at their naivety.  These lambs blissfully stumble past much of the violence by hiding in their ignorance, pitching a tent in daddy’s protective checkbook, clutching at a crucifix, or diving into some other mechanism of escape.  Yet these lambs too will be led to the block.  No one escapes. 

The hidden curriculum of high school contains several important truths that every student struggles to learn.  While the state mandated curriculum is optional, and easily subverted, these deeper lessons were unavoidable, arising from the necessity of survival. 

The first lesson was paradoxical, but strangely familiar.  All adults are enemies, until you become one.  Most teenagers want to become adults as quickly as possible.  Teenagers desperately yearn to knife away their innocence and the restrictions of childhood in order to gain the bittersweet fruits of adult freedom, completely unaware of the crippling responsibilities and consequences that follow. 

As children we live in a state of debt peonage to our adult overlords to whom we owe our life and love.  We become more conscious of the circumstances of our slavery during adolescence.  Teenagers live uneasily in the humiliation of bondage, even though most still love their masters. 

All teenagers yearn for those two magic days, marked by the astral signs of birth, when freedom is bestowed and life truly begins.  These secular sacraments are the eighteenth and twenty-first birthdays.  In America, these dates are more anticipated than the second coming of Christ. 

By adolescence, teenagers are keenly aware of their bondage.  Children are human clay being molded by parents, priests, and teachers for distant and alien ends.  Adolescence begins to breed a seething rebellion against the institutional structures that control the contours of youth. 

Teachers bear the worst of it.   These poorly paid professionals are the tyrannical gatekeepers of the adult world.  Public school teachers are pitiless mercenaries employed by the state to torture all teenagers with boredom, rules, exams, and homework.  Middle schools and high schools only appear to educate. 

Beneath the surface of ordered classrooms, hall monitors, and report cards there lies an incensed rabble often bubbling into anarchy.  Teenagers only play the role of student so they can resist any actual learning.  Every classroom seethes with silent hatred, refusal, and subtle revolt. Teachers are in charge only to the extent that they do not push their prisoners too hard. 

Thus, the primary duty of all teenagers is to resist schooling.  This art form is taken one step further by the most ambitious students: Resist schooling while earning good grades.

The second lesson of the hidden curriculum was more subtle.  Pagan shamans once believed that having knowledge of true names was a form of power.  To name objects was to know.  To know was to master.  Real friendships during high school, although possible, were rare.  Most teenagers formed temporary alliances, treating each other as rivals in a game of conquest. 

For protection, you learned to hide your identity, to wear masks, and to practice subterfuge.  For aggression, you stabbed at others with labels, wounded with pranks, and tore down the unsuspecting physically and emotionally.  The powerful proudly conquered the weak. 

Popularity was the prize.  Society was a skirmish and high school halls were filled with marauding teens armed with verbal bludgeons, savagely striking with a stinging sense of sarcasm and entitlement.  The unpopular students largely cower in fear, avoiding public spaces at all costs.  Of course, not all the young gladiators were aware of the arena, understood its cruelty, or willingly participated in the gory contest of battle.  Some scurried away from the predators and hid beneath the rocks. 

Popularity is power.  Like most other forms of authority, it is largely accumulated through savage exploitation.  Most popular kids calculate the loss of lesser lives like warriors conquering for prestige.  Many scalp hard, and wear the bloody pulp as a badge of virility and honor.  I saw countless innocents fall under the knife, myself included.  The wounds cut deep. 

During my sophomore year, I was socially bloodied, but not often publicly humiliated.  I licked my wounds, avoided the most powerful potentates, and quickly learned to strike first blood.  By my junior year I fought my way up the social hierarchy to earn a place in the shadow of kings.  By my senior year, I was royalty.

As the battle for popularity was brutally learned, the next lesson of the hidden curriculum became strikingly obvious.  The high school is a structured social hierarchy, tiered like the ancient chain of being.  There exist two separate spheres of influence.  In the adult fiefdom, the school principal was enthroned on high, supreme in power and aloof, aided in trinity by the vice principle and dean.  This administrative godhead was attended to by gradations of lesser deities who engineered the institution of socialization: teachers, counselors, and coaches. 

The actual breaking of the teenage beasts was done by an army of under-educated lecturers and disseminators of standardized tests.  These so-called "teachers" were not really paid to teach.  They tried to tame the savages through rituals of sadistic boredom and mindless conformity.  Students are locked in caged classrooms, daily broken by homework, exams, report cards, and class rankings.  We play this game because we're supposed to.

But within the halls and outside the walls, there exists another sphere of influence, more important and more immediate.  Graded down to the lower depths of hell, the petty fiefdoms of the teenage rabble keep local control: athletic princes, fashion princesses, preppy courtiers, class clowns, drug dealers, thugs, and an endless motley assortment of ill-defined cliques. 

Despite the academic pretension of the American high school, the singular purpose of this institution seems to be sorting individuals into social cliques, loosely related to the hierarchical social structure of the adult world.  Students must find a petty fiefdom and pledge allegiance to secure identity and friendship.  It can be vicious.  Not all teenagers make it through this ring of fire. 

Teenage identity is socially negotiated by the silent consent of the majority.  Some use humor, some intelligence, some physical prowess, some beauty, and some use violence.  From the first day of fall term, labels are branded about by the powerful.  One either accepts the hand of fate or struggles valiantly against it.  The trenches of the social world are daily assaulted and the flags of fidelity switch back and forth over the scorched terrain.  More than a few lose their life in the struggle for identity and acceptance. 

The institution of the American high school is not just a physical and social reality.  It is also ideological.  This was the final lesson of the hidden curriculum – and the hardest to learn. 

Beyond the ordered classrooms and tiered identity groups, there was an ideological message inscribed on the walls and emblazoned into every textbook, although it has devolved into mush over the last quarter century.  If the practical purpose of high school was socialization, then the ideological purpose was nationalization.  The ideology of Americanism is a confused rhetoric of equality, meritocracy, and aristocracy. 

For most teens these three principles morph into a mocking myth called the "American Dream."  It goes something like this:  Teenagers are second-class citizens equal only in powerlessness.  While forced to follow the dictates of adult society, youthful slavery is eventually exchanged for citizenship, granted in stages at eighteen and twenty-one.  Thereby, all young adults gain unequal measures of quasi-freedom, while slowly selling themselves into another form of slavery, a career.  They barter away their newly granted liberty in a labor market, exchanging hope for a wage. 

Students mercilessly compete for academic distinction and degrees, often financially indebting themselves, just to fetch a higher price on the road to serfdom.   The rewards of prosperity, however, are limited and not equally available to all, especially those marked by the disadvantages of poverty, gender, race, or disability. 

Because America is one of the most inequitable countries in the developed world, the greatest spoils are bestowed on those born into privilege.  The rest claw up the broken social ladder, striving for success.  Few make it.

 


References

(1) David Lindley, Uncertainty: Einstein, Heisenberg, Bohr, and the Struggle for the Soul of Science (New York, 2008), 77.

(2) DBC Pierre, Vernon God Little (New York, 2003), 125, 28, 129.

My Mis-Education in College, part 5

Life’s a Party, Until Reality Bites

My Journey from High School to College

originally written 2014

Navigating the hidden curriculum of high school became the focal point of my adolescent education, although the last lesson took almost a decade to understand (I was blinkered with the myth of the American Dream well into graduate school). 

Each semester of high school was like making my way through one of the nine circles of hell.  After successfully performing this sacred rite of passage, I was among the blessed (just barely), those who would venture on to the Purgatorio of college.  So called "higher education" was a magical institution where immature souls waited for ascension to the mythic bliss of professional purpose and economic independence (although these heavenly rewards prove perpetually illusive to most). 

The secular comedy of schooling in America marks a profound human transformation, second only to death, albeit for many, much more protracted and painful.  I survived, of course, but it wasn't easy.

Entering high school as a sophomore in the lowest ranks of hell, I thought the torture would last forever.  I endured a year of humiliation and ostracism at the margins of the savage circus, making few friends, but keeping up my grades.  Although home school was a joke, I soon realized that the academic lie of high school was an even worse masquerade. 

Classes weren’t challenging.  Homework was simple.  Cheating was rampant.  Maybe half of the students actually did their own homework, but that wasn't saying much because a trained monkey could also accomplish most of our assigned academic tasks. 

There were a hundred ways to cheat on an assignment or a test.  The easiest and most brazen way was to get the teacher’s answer book and write down the answers in advance.  In some classes, that wasn’t very hard.  Most students cheated in some way each week. 

I managed to pull a B+/A- average without much effort.  I cheated some of the time but not often.  Hell, most assignments and tests were so easy I didn't need to cheat!  Most of my friends earned respectable C averages by doing nothing at all.  Literally, they did nothing at all and still managed to pass classes!!!  

High school was an academic joke and it seemed our teachers were oblivious, or they just pretended to teach, probably both.  In some classes, we simply sat around, socialized, played cards, and gambled away our lunch money. 

My friends and I eventually graduated with a diploma.  This piece of paper certified not an education earned, not even a social milestone, but simply our ability to successfully play a silly institutionalized game called "high school". 

Any effort or enthusiasm in the classroom was against the unstated teenage code of honor.  We were proud of coming through this institution no smarter than when we came in.  For most of us, what was really significant about these years were the positive social experiences of popularity and partying.  We refused all notion of adult responsibility in our drunken denial, as we spun around in circles having fun.

Conformity was the key: dress a certain way, engage in subtle rebellion, poke fun at teachers, and slowly earn the respect and trust of peers.  While I didn’t make many friends as a sophomore, I did manage to impress the right people, acquiring scores of powerful acquaintances and the scorn of several teachers.  This earned me a ticket to the popular crowd by my junior year. 

At the age of seventeen, I was born again – no, a different kind of “born again.”  Like a religious conversion, I was baptized into a new community.  I was now a “cool” kid. 

I had ingratiated myself with the varsity soccer team as a member of the summer tournament squad.  I was a dedicated player and I loved the game, but I hadn’t had the luxury of premiere leagues, private lessons, and expensive summer camps.  Despite trying very hard to officially qualify for the regular varsity team, my skills were not advanced enough, and I was too old for junior varsity.  However, I still played whenever I could and I became fast friends with the entire soccer team. 

These friendships opened the doors of my social existence and defined the course of my life for the next two years.  I took a new identity and lived a vibrant life, rising from the lower depths of hell to become popular.  I had been invited to dine at the table of teenage kings - well, princes at least.  As in most high schools, true royalty was reserved for football players and the cheerleading squad.  My life shortly transformed from a state of awkward exclusion to become one big party.

As a newly ranking member of the popular class, I pledged allegiance to a pantheon of teenage pagan gods: athletics, intoxication, fornication, rebellion, and general mischief. 

We were determined to unshackle ourselves from the slavery of childhood by subversively, often illegally, engaging in certain rituals of adulthood.  The primary technology of teenage rebellion was alcohol, the golden nectar of liquid courage and affability.  Alcohol has long been used by mystics, divines, and pleasure-seeking fools.  It breaks down inhibitions, brings on feelings of general wellbeing, opens the doors of perception, and allows for the spontaneous release of emotion and energy. 

As underage drinkers the most difficult task was acquiring this magic elixir, but it wasn’t too hard.  We sometimes used older siblings or even permissive parents.  More often we befriended newly minted adults who still liked to party with minors.  Less frequently, friends would purchase fake IDs or inherit a sibling’s old license.   

Another option existed for some, like me, who looked old for our age.  On more than one occasion I simply walked up to the counter and purchased small quantities of alcohol without any questions asked.  Some daring acquaintances actually stole booze, often through the backdoors of supermarkets, but at times they just picked up a six-pack and walked straight out the front door.  Getting alcohol was not too difficult, neither were drugs.  I had several friends who were petty drug dealers. 

The most challenging aspect of underage partying was finding a suitable venue for our Dionysian revelries.  Drinking or smoking pot with a small group in a backyard, in a car, or in a parking lot was the easiest way, but one had to be careful not to draw too much attention.  Agents of the adult world were everywhere.  Police were a constant fear.  Our premature push into the adult world was criminalized, and otherwise mildly mischievous behavior was enough to earn a rap-sheet. 

Secluded public spaces were the best option for drinking.  It was easy to hide.  Parking lots or parks worked well, but these locations were often easily discovered.  Sometimes we would go into the woods outside of town, telling our parents that these excursions were “camping” trips.  But most teenage drinking and pot smoking is done at house parties, usually when parents are away on business or vacation. 

I wasn't a drug person, although many of my friends were.  I didn't try marijuana or other drugs until college, but even then, I always preferred alcohol because pot made me sleepy, and other drugs made me a bit paranoid.  I'm sure all the alcohol I consumed as a minor destroyed more than a few brain cells because I don't have many memories of all the endless parties.  It’s one big blur.  This time of my life all blends together. 

I have several hazy memories, mostly when something outrageously funny or serious occurred: stupid pranks, fights, bloody body parts, girls, and sometimes near-death experiences.  I know I had a great time, for the most part, but details aren't there.  Some of the most notable highlights involve near death experiences, close encounters with the law, and experimenting with sex.  Of course, teenage sex is mostly unremarkable in its splendid awkwardness.  I remember the feelings of fear and anticipation more than the sex itself.  There was also dancing, laughing, broken bottles, fights, beer bongs, drugs, and much else I won’t speak of, including wrenching my guts out and many nights passed out in random places.  I know I had many wonderful experiences during these years.  I just can’t remember most of them. 

Looking back at our youthful stupidity, I am amazed that more of us did not get arrested for underage drinking, public disturbances, drunk driving, or more serious offences.  At several points many of us came close to dying, some in automobile accidents, some from alcohol poisoning, and some from ridiculously stupid behavior. 

Leaving early from a party one night, I got lost in unfamiliar hills and stopped at the side of the road because I saw a shoe.  Flashlight in hand, I realized that a friend’s truck had driven off the road and rolled over a hundred-foot embankment.  I managed to climb down the hill and stabilize the two boys, one of whom had broken his arm, while the other had punctured a lung and was coughing up blood.  I put flares on the road and flagged down a vehicle of strangers that happened to drive by.  The ambulance arrived over an hour later and I had to help the paramedics haul the gurney up the embankment.  Luckily, they both survived. 

Another time my friends and I were the lucky ones.  We were in a truck drinking while driving around the mountains not far from town.  For some reason my friend lost control of his truck, we slid over the embankment, and down the side of the hill.  We happened to crash into a tree, which caught us from falling over a cliff to our certain death. 

There were countless other times when in a drunken haze we drove our cars, played with guns, jumped off bridges, got in fights, rode bicycles down a flight of steps in the house to fly out the front door.  On occasions such as these, and many others, my friends and I dumbly managed escape – from detection by the police, from destruction of property, from dismemberment, or from death.  It was all a game to us, although quite serious in its consequences. 

We look our lives lightly. Believing ourselves to be invincible, we acted as if we would live unscathed forever.  Not all of us did.  We had a dangerous attitude and it caught up to many of us, myself included.  One by one, we began to fall victim to our karma. 

Some damaged themselves, some died, some were arrested, some become alcoholics, some addicted to drugs, and some dropped out of school.  The funeral of a high school friend is perhaps the worst.  I remember going to three.  My fall didn't come until my sophomore year at university. 

Unlike many of my friends, I had the grades to go to a four-year university right out of high school.  However, I couldn’t afford it.  Instinctively I knew that college was a necessity, but I didn’t have a clear focus on what to do with my life, and I didn't want to take out a bunch of students loans only to waste my time in a directionless haze.

Besides, I was still having too much fun with friends in my home town, many of whom were still in high school.  Luckily there was a community college at the northern end of town.  Close to a quarter of my senior class enrolled after graduation, adding to the scores of other high school graduates from previous years who also attended.  We joked about the community college being an extension of the high school.  For the most part it was.  I had actually already enrolled as a high school student because I took “advanced placement” classes.  These were dual enrollment courses earning both high school and college credit.  When I graduated from high school, I was almost done with my first year of college. 

That fall I enrolled as a full-time student at the community college.  But even going to this second-class institution was not a done deal.  My parents made it clear that they could not help pay for college.  I had only a thousand dollars saved up from my manual labor jobs.  This paltry sum wasn’t even enough for a full year of tuition, books, and living expenses at cut rate community college prices. 

But a stroke of luck came my way.  During high school we had moved into a mobile home in a trailer park at the edge of town.  It made perfect economic sense for my cash-strapped family, but I was embarrassed as hell because of the obvious connotations between trailer parks and the stereotypical “poor white trash” that tended to live there.  However, this source of embarrassment was fortuitous because the landlord offered a thousand-dollar scholarship to the best qualified graduating senior who lived in the park.  That scholarship paid for most of my freshman year at the community college.  The rest came from a federal work-study grant, which enabled me to get a job on campus. 

So, outside of classes, I worked part-time at the chemistry lab cleaning, washing dishes and mixing solutions.  It wasn’t a dream job.  I was also working about thirty hours a week as a manual laborer, doing construction, landscaping, painting, and janitorial work.  I was able to pay for tuition, books, and modest living expenses (I was still at home), while saving money for university.  But even working over forty hours a week at two jobs was not enough to secure my future.

The atmosphere of community college was liberating, but not really challenging.  It was like high school, but without nannies supervising your every move.  No one cared if you came to class or failed.  Academics were a bit harder, although still relatively easy.  More concentration was required, but one could earn Bs without much studying at all.  May professors obviously didn't care about students or professional standards, and some were outright corrupt, like one anatomy professor who gave my friend copies of the test in advance because he happened to like professional automotive racing (my friend was a professional racer). 

Skipping class, being late, or not turning in assignments were no big deal.  Instructors exuded apathy.  Nobody made any effort to teach.  Nobody really cared, especially the students.  But the freedom of this environment actually masked a looming danger.  Many of my friends were failing at least one class.  Some never left the community college, many eventually dropping out. 

I came close to failure myself after a couple of bad tests; however, I managed to increase my effort and earn Bs and Cs for the first three semesters.  I was working full-time, weightlifting, coaching soccer, and partying like a rock star at least two or three nights a week, going to school, and trying unsuccessfully to focus on my future.  This frenzied pace would continue to define my life for the first two years college, but eventually it became unsustainable.  Some aspect of this equation had to be sacrificed. 

In order to be in college, I always had to work.  This was a simple fact of my lower-middle class life.  I worked around thirty to forty hours a week for all four years of my undergraduate studies, combining work-study on campus with part-time jobs off campus.   During my eight years of graduate school, I would often combine teaching assistantships with part-time or even full-time jobs, often working more than forty hours a week on top of a full load of classes. 

But even with working, the little I earned did not come close to covering all the costs of college and living expenses.  I had to take out federal and institutional student loans almost every year I was in college.  By the time I graduated in 2007 with my third graduate degree, I had over $75,000 in student loans.  I mortgaged my future to educate myself, hoping that someday I would be able to use my skills and knowledge to find a stable, good-paying job and eventually become debt free – or at least to have a positive net-worth. 

Working during college took its toll on my academics, but social activities proved to be the most corrosive element of my life.  After a year in community college, I was accepted at a state university in Oregon as a sophomore with a major in Athletic Training.  My father was an occupational therapist.  I loved sports, especially soccer.  Heath care was a booming industry with long term job prospects and high salaries.  This major seemed like a natural fit, yet I struggled with chemistry, I didn’t really like anatomy, and I hated math. 

I was your typical American undergraduate: high ambition, no practical understanding of professional standards, academically ambivalent, and expecting an easy road to future success.  Of course, this is not a recipe for achievement.  I started to slip into failure.

At the university, I was living far from home, sharing an apartment with friends from high school.  For the first time in my life, I was free to live as I wanted, but within limits.  I was constrained by the demands of school and the confines of my poverty.  I had been demoted from my parents lower-middle class status to the ranks of the working poor.  It took the first year at university to find a balance between freedom and responsibility, first tipping heavily to the former before edging more towards the later. 

For most teenagers, college is more of a social experience rather than an academic experience.  For my group of friends, it was a hedonistic paradise of unrestrained pleasure and experimentation.  I spent the first six months at university drinking as much as possible, smoking massive amounts of weed, and going to parties four or five times a week.  I was more interested in girls than grades. 

Often my friends and I would declare holidays in the middle of the week, cut class, and stay inebriated for days at a time.  This drunken debauchery seems to have become the primary purpose that many young Americans associate with college.  I have few memories of my sophomore year (is this a reoccurring theme?), outside of a surprise visit by my prudish parents the morning after a raging party and their stern scolding – I’ll never forget that!  It was an exciting time of irresponsible youthful exuberance, but such a life style cannot be sustained.  A rude awakening was looming. 

By the end of my second term at university, I had failed several classes, I was on academic probation, I had been cut from the competitive athletic training program, and I was broke (drugs and alcohol can be quite expensive).  I was at a crossroads and I didn’t know what to do. 

The consequences of freedom had fallen like a hammer, smashing immaturity and youthful delusions into jagged shards.  I was paralyzed for a time, not sure what to do with my life.  At the same time, some of my friends were dropping out of the university, either downgrading to the local community college, going back home to live the parents, enlisting in the military, or entering the labor market full-time.  I didn't like any of those options.

Since high school I had found freedom from restrictions, which enabled me to transgress youthful taboos and experiment with adulthood.  But this freedom came barbed in consequences that I could no longer avoid. 

For the first time I was failing at life, falling helpless into a nameless abyss.  I remember reading On the Road by Jack Kerouac at this time and feeling the same desperation: "The raggedy madness and riot of our actual lives, or actual night, the hell of it, the senseless nightmare road.  All of it inside endless and beginningless emptiness.  Pitiful forms of ignorance...This can't go on all the time - all this franticness and jumping around.  We've got to go someplace, find something." (1)

At the end of my sophomore year at university, I vowed to make changes.  I would take control of my life.  I would party less, get another job, and take academics more seriously.  I would choose a goal and use my existence for some worthy cause.  I would "go someplace" and "find something." 

But go where and do what?  I didn't know. 

I was personally and academically stuck in a directionless drift.  As I took a couple months to reexamine my life, I enrolled in literature and history courses to repair my grade point average.  This proved to be a fateful turning point. 

In forsaking an aimless freedom from restriction, I found the freedom to be.  But what did I want to be? 

Taking my life in my hands, I moved forward, stepping for the first time towards deliberate living. I worded hard at constructing my self, searching for direction, and then building a way forward into life.



(1) Jack Kerouac, On the Road (New York, 1999), 241, 108.

My Mis-Education in Graduate School

Serious Games

Graduate School and the Perils of Independent Thought

Higher education has always been about advancing social status and breeding elites, turning the educated few into a ruling caste of Brahmins.  As Henry Adams noted in the 19th century, "college offered chiefly advantages vulgarly called social, rather than mental."[1]  Both the older ecclesiastical university and the modern research university have been hierarchical and authoritarian institutions, molding young minds by socially conditioning them to carry on a prescribed intellectual tradition. 

In 1876 the college student G. Stanley Hall famously fumed about "the erroneous belief that it should be the aim of the professors of this department to indoctrinate rather to instruct - to tell what to think, than to teach how to think" [author's emphasis].[2]  Professorial indoctrination of ignorant youth was standard university practice in the 19th century and it remains standard practice in the 21st century. 

While the basis of elite power has changed from the dogmas of culture and religion to the dogmas of business and science, the phenomenon of social distinction based on academic degrees has been around for thousands of years and will never disappear.  Because universities are primarily institutions of socialization, learning is often subsumed to ritualized performance, deference to power, and rites of passage. 

Professors form a priesthood.  These sacred officers preserve canonical knowledge and officiate traditional practices.  Education, if it is offered, is often reduced to memorizing information and replicating ritual.  Disciplinary theories and methodologies "degenerate into rigidity,"[3] and they are often transformed into "unchallengeable dogmas" that students must accept to pass exams.[4] 

In college, students are taught "the one and only right way"[5] to do things, and they jump through intellectual and behavioral hoops in order to become initiated into a sacred professional guild, which is now referred to as a mere “major” field of study.  Students strive to earn public distinction and academic degrees.  Learning is optional. 

Students use these markers of social status to enter the labor market or to climb further into the holy academic ladder to graduate school and maybe the pinnacle of a PhD.  Those who correctly internalize the institutional norms of the university gain a sense of accomplishment and superiority, as Herman Hesse noted, “somewhat toward smugness and self-praise.”[6]  Thorstein Veblen was so critical of the modern university system that he wanted to subtitle his treatise on the subject with "A Study in Total Depravity."[7]  He wasn't far off the mark.

One of the greatest disappointments of my life was discovering that the citadel of the modern American university was cracked, corrupted, and crumbling from within.  From an early age we are all socialized to respect teachers, worshiping them as an almost mystical class.  University professors are often revered as high priests holding the keys to the intellectual kingdom.  But deserving of reverence, most are not.   

Even if many professors are sometimes brilliant, these custodians of higher education are self-absorbed, narrow-minded, vindictive tyrants, most of whom cannot teach, and would not stoop to do so if they could.  Apocryphal stories of the absurdity and cruelty of higher education have abounded for ages. 

One graduate student recalled a typical class, notable only by the fact that it was led by one of the luminaries of the American academy, "He read from his text for an hour or more, every so often losing his place...Such silly stories did not interest me, and [his] summary of them remained remote from anything I knew or cared about...Altogether, a puzzling performance from a man reputed great...Why did he teach so badly?  It seemed unpardonable."[8]

The modern university is focused on one primary goal: the creation of new knowledge through scientific research.  The traditional goal of transmitting knowledge has been eclipsed, but it is still a necessary function; however, it is clear that most professors grudgingly dole limited amounts of time and energy to deal with students.  Established forms of knowledge transmission have always been based on tradition, authority, and the ritual socialization of students. 

Teaching is a relatively novel invention, especially within institutions of higher education.  Students are mostly a burdensome bother to professors who are obsessively concerned about cornering academic niches of power and prestige through publications, conferences, and committees.  Professional academics endure a "living hell"[9] of intense scrutiny and competition, trying to reach a pinnacle offered by no other occupation: a well-paid, self-directed career with full benefits for life.

Professors are trained to do research, not to transmit information, and certainly not to teach.  For this reason, most professors merely propagate canonical dogma in the classroom and initiate students into a ritualized academicism, as their autocratic professors had done to them for generations.  Having become thoroughly institutionalized themselves, professors as the agents of the institution we call "higher learning" merely replicate the socialization process they were once put through.  This is called "schooling," after the Latin term schola, which meant a sect with a distinct set of practices.[10]  Official knowledge is therefore by definition "what you learn when you are taught at school."[11] 

Within their classrooms, professors are often autocratic dictators who merely throw a barrage of information at a class full of bleary-eyed and confused students. Many professors do not bother to acknowledge (let alone get to know) the ill at ease and tongue-tied young people populating their classes.  These ignorant beings awkwardly seeking social mobility are merely powerless pawns to be pushed around the "serious game"[12] called the university.  These naive lambs are led by the nose through intricate rituals, duped into thinking themselves knowledgeable, and eventually dumped unprepared into the slaughter house of the real world. 

Most university courses are cruel and boring jokes with limited application to students' lives or career aspirations.  All students, except the most eager and stupid, intuitively know this.  Most of the time professors simply lecture to a crowd for an hour.  Learning has been "bureaucratized,"[13] as content is pared down to a meaningless fiction of formulas, graphs, and factoids.  If you're lucky you might get some face time for twenty minutes during office hours, but the most prestigious professors can't be bothered with even these few moments of human interaction, delegating them instead to teaching assistants. 

Few professors try to understand a particular student's learning needs or educational goals.  Even in graduate school, in an expensive doctoral program no less, I had my graduate advisor tell me that he had no time to hear about my academic goals or personal life.  He was perturbed at the suggestion that he should even care about such trifling matters. 

As one relatively frank professor noted, "Your advisor may be crucial to your life, but you are not at all crucial to your advisor's."[14]  This of course can be extended to every facet of the university.  Students are simply transient, expendable, cogs in the academic machine.  Most of the time students are merely tolerated and treated with "benign neglect."[15]

After the initial glow of earning an undergraduate degree, many students decide to move into the academic holy of holies, clamoring to become rich or join the academic priesthood.  Unlike undergraduate studies, a graduate program initiates students into a specific professional practice by socializing them into ritualized disciplinary norms. 

The assumption is that students enrolling in an anthropology or economics program want to be anthropologists or economists.  Thus, graduate school is actually glorified vocational training.  A student is trained to become a professional knowledge worker in a specific academic market.  As far as professors are concerned, there is no other possible aim or objective for graduate studies - certainly a student would never enroll just to learn and gain knowledge.  That would be inconceivable! 

But unbeknownst to most students, these programs operate more like medieval guilds than modern trade schools.  The young apprentice is sold into virtual slavery for a number of years as the price of initiation into the secrets of the restricted trade.  What is the most important characteristic of a graduate student?  Brilliance?  Hard work?  Team player?  Talent?  No! 

According to one professor who's written a book on the subject, the most important single characteristic is "resiliency." It is the "power to persevere" in the face of all the "countless hoops and hurdles" thrown at the graduate student in a veritable gauntlet of painful bullshit.[16]  Students are taught the supreme value of "conformity" and walking "the straight and narrow path."[17]  Success in graduate school is not about knowledge or skills, it is about endurance and compliance.

One former grad student explained his low position within the academy as "masochistically overworked and under-appreciated."  He viewed himself as an "idiot" for thinking that graduate school would advance his future career.[18]  Authoritarian professors treat graduate students like dumb pack mules.  They're loaded down to the breaking point and then lead around by the bit, tracing some proscribed and monotonous course that tradition dictates is appropriate. 

Most professors don't care about students' educational or professional goals.  Students exist to be molded by the institution while serving their masters' interests.  John Dewey once quipped about a fellow academic, "[He] is incapable of either permitting men near him to work freely along their own lines of interest, or to keep from appropriating to himself credit for work which belongs to others."[19] 

Graduate school is a not-so-disguised form of exploitation.  While professors would no doubt be offended by such a remark, most graduate students clearly realize and suffer from their subjugation.  Stanley Aronowitz is one professor who has acknowledged that graduate school often "destory[s] the spirit of the aspiring intellectual."[20]  Louis Menand also acknowledged that "lives are warped."[21]

Lucky graduate students actually get paid to debase themselves, but of course most of these student workers are no more than glorified indentured servants, lacking "health insurance, benefits, parking, unionization, or a living wage."  Many grad students spend their time turning a tenured professor's grant money into more grant money, which primarily benefits the established professor's academic prestige and economic security, but does little to help the graduate student.

Thus, some students have described themselves a little more than "slave labor" and "disposable academics."[22] 

As a graduate student, the pinnacle of academic success is to "discover something extremely trivial about the world."[23]  Then you take this information and "share your observations with a small room of social awkward people paying minimal attention."  Or, if you're extremely lucky, you get "to publish your ideas in a small, unpopular journal."  Of course, if your research does get published, your major professor is more than happy to take credit for your success, often claiming primary authorship, even though this person didn't do anything except criticize and berate you every step of the way.[24]

But even if you're a model student, suffer through the shit, and work your way through to a PhD, there is no guarantee that you'll ever be able to fully capitalize on your degree.  Graduate schools have been overproducing PhDs for years, while the amount of full-time academic positions has steadily declined.  Currently only about 50 percent of the academic jobs in universities are staffed by full-time professors, while the other half are staffed by part-time adjuncts.  This is an exploited and vulnerable group of workers one critic called "academic lettuce-pickers."[25]  

The ratio between full-time and part-time instructors jumps to about 30/70 in the community college.  Between 1990 and 2004 only 34 percent of history PhDs were working in a higher education history department.  This problem has only been exacerbated by the Global Recession of 2008-9, as many universities and community colleges have cut budgets and slashed academic jobs.  In California, one of the hardest hit states, the California State University system cut 10 percent of its full-time professors, around 1,230 jobs - not to mention the thousands of lost jobs at the University of California and the community college system. 

After surviving the gauntlet, one recent PhD graduate emerged into a wasteland without any employment options.  She now makes a living playing on-line poker.[26]  This has led some to criticize doctorate degrees as "a waste of time" and even a "Ponzi scheme."[27]  Louis Menand is more gracious.  He simply calls it "inefficient": "There is a huge social inefficiency in taking people of high intelligence and devoting resources to training them in programs that half will never complete and for jobs that most will not get."[28]  William Deresiwicz calls this situation a "human tragedy."[29]

Most students, like myself, entered graduate school with their own educational aspirations and vocational goals, many not even planning on an academic career because there are few full-time jobs available.  Almost all graduate students are eager, smart, ambitious, and idealistic young people looking to make a mark on the world.  Some, like myself, had very specific academic objectives to accomplish. 

Given the democratic and liberal rhetoric of most western institutions of higher education, you would expect that professors would try to understand the personal interests of their students so as to individualize courses of study and help the student on his or her path to success.  Worse case, you would expect professors to be open to negotiation on the subject of course projects and supplementary reading. 

The nightmare reality is that most professors are narrow-minded petty tyrants who nail graduate students to the syllabus as if it was canonized holy writ.  Some of the more boorish even dictate the exact subject, style, and method of the assignments, leaving the student in the position of a mere scribe transferring doctrine from textbook to term paper.  Many of my professors were like this. 

To put it nicely, most professors are guilty of "professional malpractice" when it comes to teaching and student learning, which is exceptionally ironic if you are studying in a Department of Education!  However, I would never put it so nicely.  These intellectual cops often brutally abuse their status and authority because there is no one to keep watch over the knowledge police.  While free inquiry and academic freedom are hallmark values of the modern university, these mores are meaningless to graduate students and many junior faculty. 

Most professors are "ideological bullies" and they indoctrinate students after their own disciplinarian and methodical molds.[30]  Every academic discipline has a set of "canonical hypotheses" that are the specialized province of a "religious imperium," which rules over a small corner of the intellectual world like royals controlling a fiefdom.[31]  This kind of "academic dogmatism" is not only a threat to students' academic freedom, but it also violates students' intellectual development and maturation, turning students into mere clones of their professors.[32] It also stultifies knowledge and prevents the progress of new ideas.

I was acutely aware of this situation when I was in graduate school, and I did my best to hold my ground, demand respect, and define the contours of my education.  At first, I tried to negotiate with my professors.  I had thought, wrongly it turns out, that these people are reasonable and good-natured individuals who could be persuaded by the light of logical arguments.  Some were, but most were impervious. 

I tried to explain my own educational objectives and interests, and how I wanted to design the parameters of my research papers and course of study.  But to most professors, merely making such a monstrous request was proof of my general impertinence and disrespect. 

How dare I presume such an insolent posture towards my intellectual betters?  I was told to just make it easy on myself and do the assignment as the professor had dictated.  When I pressed forward with my impassioned plea to do my own research to accomplish my own objectives, the glare of disapproval and impatience lashed out. 

How dare I disrespect my superiors with such trifling sophomoric arrogance.  Just do the assignment or leave the class.  Some professors made a more damning and vitriolic judgment: Just do the assignment or leave the program!  Why are you even hear if you are not going to do what you're told?  Unbelievable! 

I had always wrestled with professors over course essays because I always wanted to research well beyond the narrow syllabus and engage in interdisciplinary and historical research. Although I always did superior work and was without exception at the top of every class I took, I was often punished for going beyond the narrowness of the syllabus and course readings.  However, I suffered no more than lower grades (the lowest being a B) and bruised pride. 

My first real experience with the seriousness of the game of academia was in a formal defense of my second Master’s degree.  I had competed a traditional Master’s degree in English and now I was working on a very ambitious interdisciplinary theoretical work on religion and ideology for a second Master’s degree in the field of Interdisciplinary Studies.  I wrote a two-hundred-page critical tome on the historical Jesus and the birth of Christianity, which fell flat in front of a committee comprised of some of the finest minds in the fields of English, History, and Philosophy at my university. 

They acknowledged my interdisciplinary ambition, but thought it was merely a guise for an undisciplined mind that could not do serious academic work.  They questioned whether I had the ability to write a bounded disciplinary monograph and voted 3-0 to deny my degree, albeit with provision that I could resubmit a new thesis paper for their consideration by the end of spring semester. 

I finished a new manuscript (over 100 pages) in six months, brought a fourth member on the committee, and passed 4-0, earning a second Master’s degree.  I had tried to tell them all along that my interdisciplinary mind was not "undisciplined," as they had claimed, but it took sacrificing my own principled interests to produce a more traditional monograph to prove my point. 

Of course, it also meant producing a monograph that was not really interdisciplinary, which was ironic.  I had to betray the very purpose of my educational endeavor to earn an academic degree.  At best, I earned a multi-disciplinary degree and wrote disciplinary monograph with multi-disciplinary relevance.  That wasn't what I had wanted to do.   

The apogee of my quest for interdisciplinary excellence, and its unfortunate consequences, came during a meeting for my PhD dissertation.  I had one young assistant professor hijack the meeting so that he could complain about my lack of respect for disciplinary boundaries and deference to the traditional authority of professors.  I had had deep methodological disagreements with this young professor who had only just recently completed his dissertation. 

I had taken a class with him during a previous semester and tried to engage him in discussion about his methodological assumptions, course readings, and course assignments.  He viewed my criticisms and collegial debate as impertinent and disrespectful.  He ranted to my PhD committee about how I did not belong in academia.  Who was I to think that my educational needs and objectives mattered?  Who was I to ask that courses be modified to satisfy my research aims?  Who was I to criticize my professors' judgment?  The committee agreed and I was censured.  I was told to toe the line or drop out. 

But really, what kind of arrogance is this?  As a graduate student I've spent a lot of time, effort, and money, not to mention all the personal sacrifice and stress, to join a department in order to reach my goals.  I did not come to a university to invest this much of myself just to mindlessly do someone else's work.  Am I really paying tens of thousands of dollars and enduring hell just to be institutionally socialized by self-obsessed and arrogant assholes? 

As it turns out, yes, that is exactly was graduate school is all about. 

After a while I stopped negotiating because I knew it would be perceived as lack of respect.  Instead, I took a different approach.  I ignored the specific intent of course assignments imprinted on the syllabus and exploited its vague wording to justify a different, yet related project that met my own research agenda. 

I wanted to do more than slavishly follow one specific disciplinary procedure and the narrow confines of the course book list.  Instead, I wanted to incorporate interdisciplinary methods, read an expanded bibliography, and study more complex research questions - all against the grain of standard graduate programs. 

So, I began to do course projects my way and just handed the modified assignment in at the end of class.  Sometimes I would preface my papers with a logical page-long "defense." I explained why I did not follow the exact prescriptions for the course project, and the intellectual merits of my own research subject and methods.  Needless to say, I was always penalized for such impertinence, written defense of my position or not. 

Despite being the most vocal and knowledgeable student in every class I took, demonstrating advance mastery of all the material and more, and producing professional "A" level work, I would almost always receive lower grades than I deserved - although I was able to keep an A- average throughout eight years of graduate school.  Some of the more vindictive professors would give me a B grade, which in graduate school is considered just a hair above failure. 

One professor even gave me an F on my final project, although it had been hastily crossed out and officially recorded as an "incomplete."  My financial aid was held up.  I also got a written warning from the graduate advisor questioning my intellectual abilities and commitment to my studies.  She said it might be better to throw in the towel and leave the program because it seemed like I was unable to do the work.  This comment made me both furious and embarrassed.

What was my heinous sin?  Instead of writing a traditional, positivistic, theory-laden literature review, I dared to historicize the subject, criticize a lot of vapid scholarship, and explain how the scholarly literature was effected by temporal and political processes inside and outside the academy.  I tried to explain, as Isaiah Berlin, Stephen Toulmin and others have argued, that it is "irrational" to force positivistic methods used in natural science on every possible social scientific inquiry.[33]  Of course, this line of argument was unacceptable. 

Merely opening my mouth to talk back and argue with my professor (the chair of my dissertation committee) was deemed impertinence.  Stanley Aronowitz has perceptively captured the unstated graduate school status quo, "In no case ought the neophyte attempt to forge a new paradigm, or even suggest a novel interpretation that might offend the intellectual powers-that-be."[34]  My professor was pissed! 

The chair of my dissertation committee, the man who held my degree in his hands, gave me the option of dropping out of the program or retaking the class during the summer.  I seriously wanted to do the former, but instead I did the latter.  I rewrote the term paper following the exact letter of the syllabus, which meant producing a boring, formulaic, and meaningless literature review that was of no real use to me.  I got an A.

Backed into a corner, I acquiesced.  I did what he wanted me to do.  I was a good dog and rolled over.  Of course, I could do the assignment, I just didn't want to because of cogent intellectual grounds.  The paper was a waste of my time.  It actually kept me from doing the important research that I wanted to do.  Bullying and intimidation were a constant threat.  In order to survive, I had bow before the voice of authority and toe the line.  And this always kept me from spending my time working on my own research agenda, for which I had come to graduate school to accomplish.

It was a nightmare, straight out of Henry Adams' critique of the 19th century American college, which was itself a holdover from the middle ages:

He found only the lecture system in its deadliest form as it flourished in the thirteenth century.  The professor mumbled his comments; the students made, or seemed to make, notes; they could have learned from books or discussion in a day more than they could learn from him in a month, but they must pay his fees, follow his course, and be his scholars, if they wanted a degree.[35]

I could appreciate the irony of this archaic drama, as I pulled my hair out and my stomach turned in knots.  Here I was in a 21st century Department of Education at the University of California, one of the premiere institutions of higher education in the world, and I was receiving a 13th century course of study, delivered with all of the pompous and prejudiced authority of a pack of medieval catholic priests.

Having survived this bullshit in two Masters programs, I had hoped to be treated better once I reached the PhD level, but actually things got worse.  I had graduated from an Oregon university with a rare level of accomplishment: I had earned two graduate degrees in three disciplines, I had an academic book published (and another almost finished), I was an internationally published poet, I had organized several cultural festivals and edited two volumes of local poetry, and I had been invited to teach as a Lecturer at the university. 

I thought this would help me advance to the next stage.  I had proved myself competent as both student and faculty.  When I entered a PhD program at the University of California, I assumed that I had earned a level of distinction that would enable my professors to treat me (for the first time in my career), if not as an equal, then certainly as an outstanding junior colleague.  I was wrong. 

None of my professors knew anything about me or my accomplishments, nor did they care to know.  When I tried to explain my situation, I was quickly silenced.  My degrees were labeled an inferior product because "humanities" methods had no place in the field of Education, which was supposedly an austere academic discipline of "social science."  Unbeknownst to me, all my previous knowledge and publications had instantly become a liability. 

When I would ask philosophical, historical, critical, or hermeneutical questions in class, they were dismissed as "out of place" and "inappropriate."  We do not ask those types of questions in this department, I was told.  It is just not done in our discipline, professors would sneer.  And I was duly told that it was not my place, as a lowly graduate student, to challenge disciplinary norms or institutional conventions.[36]

Of course, what none of my professors would ever acknowledge is that the university is a fractured political body of diverse units fighting over scarce resources, jockeying for legitimacy, authority, and social prestige.  All academic disciplines, especially ad hoc ill-defined disciplines like Education,[37] were rife with methodological diversity and factional dispute, as well as interpenetrated with various stripes of interdisciplinary niches.  As Henry Kissinger quipped, "academic politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small."[38] 

There is no such thing as a unified professoriate and the notion of scholarly "consensus" on any subject is largely a myth.  Robert Maynard Hutchins once joked, "the modern university [is] a series of separate schools and departments held together by a central heating system.  In an area where heating is less important and the automobile more, I have sometimes thought of it as a series of individual faculty entrepreneurs held together by a common grievance over parking."[39]

I specifically entered the field of Education not only because I wanted to be a better teacher and impact educational reform, but also because the field of Education was known for many outstanding interdisciplinary works of scholarship.  In 2000 I had started my first Master’s thesis with these words, "Creativity and independent thought seem to have been sucked out of the learning process in all stages of education. I find that a travesty and something that needs to be addressed and remedied."[40] 

I thought getting a PhD in Education would not only make me a better teacher, but would give me a platform to help effect real educational change in the United States.  I realize now that I was a naive fool.  At the specific university where I was enrolled there were only two acceptable forms of research: quantitative statistics or qualitative ethnography.  It turned out to be a dichotomous multidisciplinary department, and not at all interdisciplinary.  You learned to be a sociologist or anthropologist - and that is all.  No other options.  Case closed. 

Of course, there was a deeper irony.  In university Education departments across America, most professors had no professional background in the practice of education, like teaching, curriculum construction, or student learning.[41]  It was like joining an Engineering department filled with sociologists and economists and no experienced engineers, or like a department of Medicine with anthropologists and philosophers, but no experienced doctors.  It borders on the absurd!  But university education departments in the United States, and before them 19th century normal schools, have always been staffed with pedantic academic lecturers training unimaginative bureaucratic task-masters masquerading as teachers. 

The progressive movement to reform education in America during the early 20th century was never very effective and left most of its reforms unfinished, slowly reversed by the "back to basics" movement of the 1980s and 1990s, and then completely undone by the "accountability" movement at the turn of the 21st century which now cripples all facets of our educational system.

As if inhabiting such as stale academic environment was not bad enough, what was worse was the fact that I could find no niche to nurse my interests.  My background in history, philosophy, textual criticism, and the sociology of knowledge had no place in this Education department.  Although "education history-cum-philosophy" once had a central place in the discipline of education, this form of inquiry has been gradually abolished from most university schools of education over the 20th century. 

This precipitous loss of prestige followed the more general "devaluation of the humanities" in the western university - a field of study I squarely work within and have tried to defend in my own academic work.  Literally, everything about me and my intellectual objectives were considered invalid, inappropriate, and unacceptable.  How could this be?  How did I ever get accepted into this department in the first place?

Now I bear part of the blame for enrolling in such an inhospitable department.  Most graduate students don't know how to select a good program that fits their aims.  However, there was really no way for me to know how bad it was before I got there.  In fact, while I was enrolled, there was an external audit of our department because there had been so many complaints from graduate students and adjunct lecturers. 

Based on the departmental website, it seemed like nice enough place.  But once I arrived, I quickly realized my descent into hell.  I was told time and again by my professors that I did not belong in this department and that I should have gone somewhere else.  Yet, how fair is this claim?  Graduate students are extremely limited by geography, lack of money, lack of personal connections, and lack of direct knowledge of organizational cultures. 

Even if a perfect department is found, one cannot necessarily get accepted into that university for various reasons.  But the whole idea of fitting into a perfect department is a myth.  Most academic departments in this country are dysfunctional, perhaps not as bad as the one I was enrolled in.  And "fitting in" is often random, as it depends upon finding a small group of professors that like you and your work, which can't really happen until after you've been with a department for a while. 

I had applied to Berkeley, Stanford, and the University of Chicago, places where quality interdisciplinary work is done, but I was not accepted.  I wasn't told why, but obviously I didn't have outstanding test scores or a straight A average, which probably disqualified me from the start.  Even if I had been accepted, I would never have been able to afford the tuition and living expenses to attend such universities.  So, while students do have some power over "choosing" a specific school that could fit their interests, there is no way to fully grasp the disciplinary culture of any given department, nor is there any real control over which institutions will accept you and how much the program will cost.  Rational choice models ignore not only the powerlessness and ignorance of graduate students, but also the mystified and dysfunctional nature of most academic departments.

Is it so outlandish to think that academic departments should adjust in some way to the educational objectives of the student?  But they don't.  Graduate students are expected to assimilate completely into their new institutional environment.  No melting pot, just a uniform mold slammed down imperiously on each graduate students' head!  How ironic, if not flat out hypocritical, given the outspoken condemnation of many liberal professors when it comes to ethnic assimilation in nation states.  However, when it comes to their own department or class, most professors act like rabid supremacists: shut up and assimilate, or get out!  This is how I was treated, as were all the graduate students in my department and many others in graduate programs across the country. 

However, unlike the rest of my peers, I didn't put up with being pushed around, nor did I accept being mistreated.  I earned a reputation for leadership and independent thought, and most of my peers looked up to me - although at times their veneration morphed into catharsis as I was crucified time and again.  I advised fellow students on how to survive the tortures of institutional assimilation and helped however I could.  I never gave into the petty dictates of my professors and I would speak up in class if I found something to be unreasonable or unjust.  I have a strong set of values, especially when it comes to education, and I would not compromise these values just to make things easier on myself.  I consider this attitude to be a virtue, one that I will never forsake, but it eventually led me into trouble.  In fact, it led me to drop out of graduate school and leave my PhD unfinished.  

Of course, the department should have known better.  My former history professor had warned in my letter of recommendation, "He will debate with anyone, challenge anything, ask deeply searching questions, spread doubt and confusion about certainties, in short, play the role of a gadfly, albeit one with deep convictions of his own... He will yield, but only after considerable butting of heads, argumentation, and resistance."  And so, I did. 

But isn't this a description of the vocation of scholar, critic, and scientist?  How do we ever reach the truth if no one questions certainties and asks searching questions?[42]  The physicist Werner Heisenberg said that the scientist "should always be prepared to have the foundations of his knowledge changed by new experience."[43]  Looking back on the history of western thought, Karl Popper argued that "the tradition of critical discussion" is the "only practical way of expanding our knowledge."[44] 

How will scholarship or science advance if everyone simply gives in to the voice of established authority, and rolls over like a dog when the master speaks.  Many scholars grow complacent in their tenured security, preserving the antiquated custom of a gentleman's game (dandy, prim and proper with status and authority) rather than doing the dirty, hard work of scholarship and science. 

Few professors were gracious when I asked difficult questions.  Some professors were outright unkind.  Some were out of touch, and should have been fired long ago for malpractice, or worse.

One tenured professor I had spent most classes ranting and raving about the "filth" and moral decay of American culture, sometimes jumping on desks or screaming in students' faces.  He was raised a Jesuit, attending a masochistic parochial school, which he later wrote about.  He carried his ideological rigidity and moral fervor into his classrooms, decrying communists, fascists, capitalists, and moral relativists all in one breath.  He was culturally conservative, intellectually traditional, and socially combative. 

Often, I was public enemy number one.  Once, discussing the validity of a source I had used, and by extension the place of ethnic studies programs in the American academy, we spent over an hour deadlocked in an unceasing debate, just the two of us, as the rest of the class sat silently watching.  My arguments were sound and I wouldn't give in to his conservative traditionalism and intellectual bullying.  I looked at my classmates from time to time in exasperation, but the professor would not stop attacking me.  Eventually I said, look, all of these other people are paying for an education and you're wasting their time so let’s get back to the agenda.  It wasn't the last time that we would but heads.

But he wasn't the only one I had trouble with.  Some professors can be kind, yet still equally rigid in their authoritarian traditionalism.  There was a young associate professor of educational history.  She was soft spoken, engaging, and kind.  But she had rigidly prescribed assumptions about "proper" scholarship and disciplinary standards, and she expected assignments to be completed in a very specific way.  In one class I earned a final grade of B because of a B- on the term paper (remember, B grades are one step away from failure in graduate school, so the term paper was technically a failing paper). 

She did not directly address the merits of the paper itself, instead pointing out how I did not follow the assignment stated on the syllabus.  That same paper, with only slight revisions, was peer reviewed and accepted several months later by a scholarly journal for publication.  Granted the paper had its faults, but if my paper was a "failure" then how did it pass a professional peer review and get published?

When it comes to the judgments of professors in their classrooms, they are local gods and their evaluations are sacrosanct, above dispute.  But when it comes to the actual activity of professional scholarship, it is a messy game of reasoned debate and power politics.[45]  Henry Adams once complained that while both congressmen and professors suffered from the same "maelstrom" of political bickering, "he preferred Congressmen," perhaps because they were more honest in the naked exercise of their power. 

Adams dryly noted, "Education, like politics, is a rough affair."[46]  A couple of professors have frankly noted in a book on academic culture, "Most academic fields are dominated by...powerful people."[47]  These powerful academic barons battle each other for intellectual supremacy, prestige, and research grants, and they autocratically reign over their own local fiefdoms like kings. 

While some academics will admit that the practice of science is filled with "disputes," "controversies," "violence," and "political methods,"[48] I've found that most professors hide this aspect of their profession from the public (and students), concealing the messy nature of knowledge creation behind the myth of "consensus."  Academics also frequently ignore or deny the very real "exercise of authority or other power" in scholarly debates. 

As Charles E. Lindblom has noted, "Aside from flights into the most fanciful utopias, one cannot even conceive of a solution or outcome reached wholly by examining its merits.  For all participants in problem solving live in a network of existing impositions and coercions."[49] 

The notion of scholarly consensus became more important as disciplines became professionalized during the early 20th century because "internecine intellectual warfare carried on in public compromised the image [academics] were trying to cultivate as professionals with insights that deserved to be taken seriously."[50]  But this myth of consensus now makes it much harder for scholars to criticize academic practice or the university system from within. 

As the philosopher and academic maverick Stephen Toulmin once confided, "Academics who criticize the Academy, of course, put themselves at risk."[51]  I find it disingenuous, if not flat out hypocritical that academics consider it their right and duty to criticize every aspect of social and physical reality, except themselves and their own practices.  And when the public finds out about the dirty little secrets of academia, as it did in the recent debate over global warming, it does much more harm to the reputation of science than if practitioners simply admitted the existence of politicized debates within the academy. 

The myth of the "ivory tower" must be overcome and replaced by the more sordid but palatable truth: professors play at power and politics just like everyone else.  Knowledge, like other disputed goods, is shaped by subjectivity and power, and it is constructed through messy political processes.  And while like laws and sausages, most people would prefer not to see the gritty truth, there is no excuse for practitioners to deny the dirty nature of their work - especially to graduate students who are being initiated into the trade. 

In such an environment, open and reasoned debate should be the highest virtue, but sadly, "intellectual orthodoxy" and "ideological conformity" define the rules of the game.[52]  As one scholar noted, an academic discipline is "a group of scholars who ha[ve] agreed not to ask certain embarrassing questions about key assumptions."[53]  These "canonical assumptions"[54] cannot be questioned because doing so would reveal the arbitrary and overly simplified analytical boundaries demarcating one field of study from another.  And unfortunately, since I was young, I have always pushed boundaries and questioned dogma.  In this I shared a sentiment with John Kenneth Galbraith, who once said of himself, "For me, at least, there has always been a certain pleasure in questioning the sacred tenets."[55]

Once I went all the way to the Dean of the university Graduate School to make this argument about the politics of disciplinary boundaries and the unstated dogmas of academic discourse.  I was trying to dispute the unreasonable and invisible rubric that professors were using to subjectively grade and unfairly judge students - the same invisible and subjective rubrics that most professors use to evaluate their peer's work.[56]  I was told that the university operated on the assumption that all professors were experts in their fields, which meant their knowledge was infallible and their judgments beyond reproach, especially by students. 

The voice of tradition and authority was unassailable.  It was a frank admission that the university and scientific practice is founded not on reason and consensus, but on the ancient feudal tradition of power and authority, as Michael Polanyi had argued.[57]  More recently Jonathan Cole pointed out that faculty "tend not to be tolerant of those in their midst who are courageous enough to challenge prevailing systems of thought," instead most faculty "define and enforce dominant orthodoxies."[58]

And as I know all too well, when you question the dictates of established authority, the hammer of tradition falls on your head.  As I had done with other professors, I ended up getting into an argument with my PhD program chair, except this wasn't just any term paper, it was my dissertation.  We had been butting heads for some time over the scope, methods, and arguments of my dissertation.  Quite frankly, he told me that historical research was not done in his field and that I was addressing too many large questions.  I knew that he was uncomfortable with the project because most of it was beyond his expertise (in terms of methods, scope, if not also in terms of the breadth of issues I wanted to address).  He didn't even have a PhD, he only held a EdD, which does not signify advanced competence in research or disciplinary knowledge.  Yet he was the only scholar in the department who was an "expert" in the general subject matter that I wanted to study. 

I had several other professors sign on to the project, both inside our department and outside in the history department.  But most of the committee had to come from one specific area of the department because this is where my subject was arbitrarily located within the intellectual bureaucracy.  Needless to say, none of these scholars really fit my research agenda, nor did they really want to work with me because I had a bad reputation for independent thinking.  I kept pushing for a historical dissertation that addressed several key philosophical issues and I was getting nowhere.  I was instructed to make things easy on myself and just do as I was told.  I couldn't do it.  This was my project and I would do it my way.  Why else did I come to this university?

My advisor, the chair of the committee, was very upset with my persistent attempt to have a say in my own education.  He was the one who gave me the failing grade in his class and forced me to re-write the term paper over the summer.  There is no doubt in my mind that the failing grade in that class was a deliberate move to coerce me into accepting his agenda for my dissertation.  He wanted to make it clear how much power he held.  But it wasn't the worst thing he did to me. 

I had been working for a year and a half as his research assistant.  I was outperforming all of his other graduate students, and he often praised my work.  I had authored a research paper (which he took primary credit for), which was later published in a peer reviewed journal.  I also authored several conference proposals (all of which he took primary credit for), which were accepted at two important national conferences.  No other graduate research assistant came close to my intellectual output.  As a bonus for all researchers, he had always generously paid for us (out of his grant money) to go to conferences.  We did all of the work writing and presenting the proposals, he took primary authorship and increased his prestige, and he paid our expenses.  It wasn't a bad deal. 

Well, just after a nasty dissertation committee meeting, he failed my term paper (as already described), and then he withdrew funding for a conference where I was to present my original research and join with the other research assistants to present our group projects.  I had already bought my plane ticket and was registered for the conference.  But because he was no longer reimbursing my expenses, I couldn't afford to go.  He ended up presenting my paper, which he had taken primary credit for, and I was stuck at home with a non-refundable plane ticket.

Less than two weeks later, I was fired - no cause given.  He sent me an email saying that I would no longer be needed.  My contract was going to be canceled at the end of the month.  Had I been a regular graduate student employee, I could have sued him for unjust termination.  But there is a dark side to graduate research positions paid by grant money: you are a private employee with no rights, completely unprotected by university labor laws or contracts. 

After talking with the graduate union, I found there was nothing I could do.  Thus, not only did I lose a good paying job (half of my monthly income), I lost my tuition grants (around $3,000 a term), I got stuck with a $600 non-refundable plane ticket, I received an incomplete on my transcript, and I had to retake a class over the summer.  This professor made his message very clear: either I play the game his way and do his dissertation, or he would push me out of the university.  Even if I had wanted to stay and to do the dissertation his way, I could not afford to pay the tuition, so really, I had no other option but to leave.  Later that summer, after receiving an A on my revised term paper, I dropped out of the program.

Leaving that PhD program has been my greatest failure of my life.  I still bear the psychological scars.  I tried to question some intellectual orthodoxies and blaze my own academic trails, but I was hammered down because of it.  Jonathan Cole is one of the few to have exposed the dangers of independent thinking in the American academy: "In truth, there is both intellectual and personal risk involved in challenging the presumptions of the group...rather than viewing unconventional thinking as an appropriate challenge to received wisdom and ideology, those being challenged often become defensive, and these questions, even is posed in the most neutral of forms, get people into trouble."[59] 

But looking back, knowing the danger of my intellectual positions, I would not have done anything different.  Personally, professionally, and morally I was compelled to resist the narrow, egotistical authoritarianism of my professors.  As Michael Polanyi once remarked, there are professors who are "uninspired, pedantic, and oppressive," "misguided by their personal bias," "who try to impose their personal fads" on students.  These members of the academy must be "firmly opposed" because education "would be impossible and science would soon become extinct" if they are not firmly challenged.[60]

I've never been one to give in or give up.  After this harrowing experience, I pulled myself together, and over the next year and a half I orchestrated a rebirth.  I had a great dissertation planned and I had already done much of the research.  So, without any funding or support, and living precariously on a slashed monthly income during what would become the Great Recession of 2007-09, I decided to finish the project myself and write a book.  When I had finished, several scholarly presses were interested, although almost all of them eventually declined to publish it because I did not have a PhD.  I did manage to find a publisher who actually looked at the quality of my scholarship, rather than just rely on my lack of appropriate credentials. 

I also sent the manuscript to major scholars in the field of Education at UC Berkeley, Stanford, Columbia, and UCLA.  And unlike the patronizing and demeaning criticisms of my former dissertation committee, I received a lot of positive feedback.  One renowned scholar at UC Berkeley was especially kind, and he agreed to write the forward.  In a personal note he said, "I think this is a thought-provoking book, in the sense that it asks us to think hard about why we construct educational institutions that are so contradictory, and checkered in their outcomes. It’s a 'big' book — it asks us to think expansively about what a particular educational institution accomplishes — and we have too few of these."[61] 

Another scholar at UCLA called me a "courageous visionary" and praised my "boldness" for researching questions that few had dared to ask.[62]  One scholar went so far as to say, "Educators, researchers, administrators, and government officials concerned about the future of community colleges, and U.S. higher education in general, cannot afford to ignore J. M. Beach's findings and conclusions."[63]

Less than two years later, with the book soon to be published, I presented a conference paper on the subject of community colleges, sharing the session with my former dissertation advisor who treated me so badly and pushed me out of the PhD program.  He barely acknowledged my presence and wouldn't look at me in the eyes.  He scarcely said one word in greeting, a "hello" half mumbled. 

We sat uneasily together in the front of the room with one of his graduate students between us.  I presented first.  After finishing my lecture, I let the audience know it was part of my new book, soon to be published.[64]  It was the very same project my advisor had severely criticized and rejected, saying it couldn't be done in our field.  It was the very same project for which I had endured the scorn of my committee and sacrificed my PhD. 

The book will never bring me fame, fortune, or a stable teaching job, but it was important to finish the project my way.  I ask some significant questions and the book has some very important things to say about education in the United States, as early reviewers have pointed out.  Like few academic books published these days, this book challenged excepted notions about education, asking the reader to think deeply about difficult and un-resolvable issues - the very issues that often get unaddressed in universities because they fall between the cracks of the intellectual bureaucracy. 

Some might say that my experiences were atypical.   Perhaps.  At some institutions and in some disciplines, the academic ideals of collegial critical analysis and rational discourse are the norm.  David Deutsch has recounted his experience with the ideal of scientific debate:

“The majority of the scientific community is not always quite as open to criticism as it ideally should be.  Nevertheless, the extent to which it adheres to 'proper scientific practice' in the conduct of scientific research is nothing short of remarkable.  You need only attend a research seminar in any fundamental field in the 'hard' sciences to see how strongly people's behavior as researchers differs from human behavior in general...In this situation, appeals to authority (at least, overt ones) are simply not acceptable, even when the most senior person in the entire field is addressing the most junior...The professor tries hard to show no sign of being irritated by criticism from so lowly a source [i.e. a graduate student].  Most of the questions from the floor will have the form of criticisms which, if valid, would diminish or destroy the value of the professor's life's work.  But bringing vigorous and diverse criticism to bear on accepted truths is one of the very purposes of the seminar.  Everyone takes if for granted that the truth is not obvious, and that the obvious need not be true; that ideas are to be accepted or rejected according to their content and not their origin.” [65]

While I too believe in this ideal, I have never seen it as perfectly practiced as Deutsch portrays.  I was the that graduate and junior colleague, as Deutsch describes, and I was often savagely beaten down for my impertinence.  Perhaps Deutsch's experience was more ideal due to the fact that he was educated and is still employed by two of the most prestigious research universities in the world, Cambridge and Oxford.  At these privileged institutions of higher learning, I would imagine that things work very differently than your average public research university in the United States. 

Perhaps Deutsch's experience is also a product of the "hard sciences" where key theoretical assumptions and quantitative methodology are less contentious than the social sciences and the humanities.  But even acknowledging these legitimate factors, I think that Deutsch is still overly idealistic, albeit sharing an ideal that I also firmly believe in. 

I would agree more with a statement Deutsch made leading up to the above quoted passage, "The academic hierarchy is an intricate power structure in which people's careers, influence and reputation are continuously at stake, as much as in any cabinet room or boardroom - or more so."[66]  In short, the academic hierarchy, and the research university as an institution, are fundamentally political, as everything that humans say or do is filtered through various political processes based on power, prestige, and struggles to limited resources or contested values.    

In the wake of 9-11 and the political repression of dissent and unconventional viewpoints, Lisa Anderson, professor of political science and former dean of Columbia's School of International and Public Affairs, reminded the nation of the importance of free speech.  She warned, "We must be constantly, restlessly open to new ideas, searching for new evidence, critical of received wisdom, old orthodoxies, and ancient bigotries, always crating and criticizing ourselves, each other and our world.  This is the life of scholarship and we must embrace it for what it is and do it well.''[67] 

Over a half century before, in 1945 after the World War II, Michael Polanyi had forcefully argued that scientific enquiry must be based on the freedom of scientific research and discussion.[68]  Stephen Toulmin called this openness "intellectual democracy."[69] 

Unfortunately, the whole notion of free inquiry and intellectual democracy has begun to corrode and rot away in the very place it was supposed to be preserved and supported.  Perhaps this ideal is still strong at the more prestigious (and well-funded) research universities, and perhaps more in the physical sciences than in the social sciences and humanities. 

But I contend that this ideal is beleaguered not only from outside the university, but most disturbingly, from within.  Unless more academics stand against the authoritarianism, orthodoxy, and conformity of higher education, especially in their own departments and with their own students, we risk the corruption of the whole scientific enterprise, and the death of the last great hope of humanity.

 


[1] Adams, The Education of Henry Adams, 91.

[2] G. Stanley Hall, "College Instruction in Philosophy," The Nation 23 (Sept 1876), 180.  Passage was quoted in Ellen Condliffe Lagemann, An Elusive Science: The Troubling History of Education Research (Chicago, 2000), 28.

[3] Stephen Toulmin, Return to Reason (Cambridge, MA, 2001), 41.

[4] Andrew Collier, "Critical Realism," in The Politics of Method in the Human Sciences, George Steinmetz, ed. (Durham, NC, 2005), 327.

[5] Toulmin, Return to Reason, 42.

[6] Hermann Hesse, The Glass Bead Game, 348-49.

[7] Robert L. Heilbroner, The Worldly Philosophers (New York, 1961), 251; Michael Spindler, Veblen & Modern America: Revolutionary Iconoclast (Sterling, VA, 2002), 51-56.

[8] The professor was famed historian Carl Becker who was teaching at Cornell.  McNeill, Mythistory and Other Essays, 149, 152.

[9] One anonymous faculty member described the tenure process as a "living hell."  Jack Stripling, "Burning Out, and Fading Away," Inside Higher Ed (June 10 2010).

[10] Walter J. Ong, Ramus: Method, and the Decay of Dialogue (Chicago, 2004), 149-161.

[11] Ibid., 161.

[12] Sherry B. Ortner, Anthropology and Social Theory: Culture, Power, and the Acting Subject (Durham, 2006).

[13] Toulmin, Return to Reason, 45.

[14] Steven M. Cahn, From Student to Scholar: A Candid Guide to Becoming a Professor (New York, 2008), 12.

[15] Menand, The Marketplace of Ideas, 142.

[16] Ibid., 5.

[17] Stephen Toulmin, Return to Reason (Cambridge, MA, 2001), 140.

[18] Adam Ruben, Surviving Your Stupid, Stupid Decision to Go to Grad School (New York, 2010), ix, xvii.

[19] Dewey's remarks were directed against G. Stanley Hall.  Qtd. in. Lagemann, An Elusive Science, 30.

[20] Stanley Aronowitz, The Knowledge Factory, 148.

[21] Menand, The Marketplace of Ideas, 152.

[22] "The Disposable Academic: Why Doing a PhD is Often a Waste of Time," The Economist (Dec 18 2010), 156, 158.

[23] This quote and the following two quotes come from Ruben, Surviving Your Stupid, Stupid Decision to Go to Grad School, ix, xvii, 49, 61, 69, 81.

[24] Generalization is these paragraphs are also based on my own experiences as a graduate student.  For a brief line on the "exploitation" of graduate students see Paul Gray and David E. Drew, What They Didn't Teach You in Graduate School (Sterling, VA, 2008), 100.

[25]William Deresiewicz, "Faulty Towers," The Nation (May 23 2011), 30.

[26] Alana Semuels, "Universities are Offering Doctorates but Few Jobs," The Los Angeles Times (June 3 2010); Jenna Johnson Daniel De Vise, "Students Protest Cuts to Higher Education Funds" The Washington Post (March 4 2010); Lexi Lord, Beyond Academe <www.beyondacademe.com>

[27] "The Disposable Academic," 156.

[28] Menand, The Marketplace of Ideas, 152.

[29] Deresiewicz, "Faulty Towers," 30.  He went on to explain, "It's also a social tragedy, and not just because it represents a colossal waste of human capital.  If we don't make things better for the people entering academia, no one's going to want to do it anymore."

[30] Cole, The Great American University, 60-63, 379.

[31] David M. Kreps, "Economics - The Current Position," American Academic Culture in Transformation, Thomas Bender and Carl E. Schorske, eds. (Princeton, 1997), 77-78.

[32] While I agree with Cole's emphasis on the "core values" of the university and the importance of these values, I don't think Cole realizes the social gulf between students and professors, and between junior professors and senior professors.  I think Cole drastically underplays the importance of "academic dogmatism," especially between professors and graduate students.  Cole, The Great American University, 60-63, 379.  I agree with Stanley Aronowitz, "I believe that advice that stifles the voice of the student who really has something to say, the intellectual means to say it, and the stamina to tolerate perpetual wagging heads is cockeyed and indefensible." The Knowledge Factory, 147.

[33] Isaiah Berlin, qtd. in Stephen Toulmin, Return to Reason (Cambridge, MA, 2001), viii.

[34] Stanley Aronowitz, The Knowledge Factory, 147.

[35] Adams, The Education of Henry Adams, 75.

[36] On this point see Stanley Aronowitz, The Knowledge Factory, 147.

[37] See Jurgen Herbst, “Nineteenth-Century Normal Schools in the United States: A Fresh Look,” History of Education, 9, no. 3 (1980): 219-27; David F. Labaree, The Trouble with Ed Schools (New Haven, 2004).

[38] The quote is a paraphrase of Kissinger's remark.  "A Post-Crisis Case Study," The Economist (July 31 2010), 55.

[39] Robert Maynard Hutchins, quoted in Cole, The Great American University, 141.

[40] Beach, Expression and Identity, 8.

[41] Ellen Condliffe Lagemann, An Elusive Science: The Troubling History of Education Research (Chicago, 2000).

[42] Imre Lakatos and Alan Musgrave, eds., Criticism and the Growth of Knowledge (Cambridge, UK, 1970).

[43] Heisenberg, Physics and Philosophy, 114.

[44] Karl Popper, Conjectures and Refutations (London, 1963), 148-52.

[45] Lamont, How Professors Think: Inside the Curious World of Academic Judgment, Ibid.

[46] Adams, The Education of Henry Adams, 306-7.

[47] Gray and Drew, What They Didn't Teach You in Graduate School, 7.

[48] Heisenberg, Physics and Philosophy, 141.  See also Thomas S. Kuhn, The Structure of Scientific Revolutions (Chicago, 1962); Peter Novick, That Noble Dream: The ‘Objectivity’ Question and the American Historical Profession (Cambridge, UK, 1988); Steven Shapin, Never Pure: Historical Studies of Science as if It Was Produced by People with Bodies, Situated in Time, Space, Culture, and Society, and Struggling for Credibility and Authority (Baltimore, 2010).

[49] Charles E. Lindblom, Inquiry and Change: The Troubled Attempt to Understand and Shape Society, 46.

[50] William J. Barber, "Reconfigurations in American Academic Economics: A General Practitioner's Perspective," American Academic Culture in Transformation, Thomas Bender and Carl E. Schorske, eds. (Princeton, 1997), 117.

[51] Stephen Toulmin, Return to Reason (Cambridge, MA, 2001), ix.

[52] Cole, The Great American University, 494.

[53] Mark Nathan Cohen, Health and the Rise of Civilization (New Haven, 1989), viii.

[54] David M. Kreps, "Economics - The Current Position," American Academic Culture in Transformation, Thomas Bender and Carl E. Schorske, eds. (Princeton, 1997), 97.

[55] John Kenneth Galbraith, American Capitalism: The Concept of Countervailing Power (New Brunswick, NJ, 1997), xi.

[56] Lamont, How Professors Think: Inside the Curious World of Academic Judgment, Ibid.

[57] Michael Polanyi, Science, Faith and Society: A Searching Examination of the Meaning and Nature of Scientific Enquiry (Chicago, 1964).

[58] Cole, The Great American University, 494.

[59] Ibid., 494-495.  Stanley Aronowitz is another.

[60] Michael Polanyi, Science, Faith and Society: A Searching Examination of the Meaning and Nature of Scientific Inquiry (Chicago, 1964), 46.

[61] W. Norton Grubb, David Gardner Chair in Higher Education, University of California, Berkeley, personal e-mail (Nov 2009).

[62] Robert Rhoads, Professor of Higher Education and Organizational Change, University of California, Los Angeles, endorsement on the back cover of my book, Gateway to Opportunity.

[63] V. P. Franklin, University of California Presidential Chair, Distinguished Professor of History and Education, University of California, Riverside, endorsement on the back cover of my book, Gateway to Opportunity.

[64] J. M. Beach, A Gateway to Opportunity? A History of the Community College in the United States (Sterling, VA, 2010).

[65] David Deutsche, The Fabric of Reality: The Science of Parallel Universes - and Its Implications (New York, 1997), 325-26.

[66] Ibid., 325.

[67] Lisa Anderson, quoted in Cole, The Great American University, 446.

[68] Polanyi, Science, Faith and Society, 62.

[69] Stephen Toulmin, Return to Reason (Cambridge, MA, 2001), 99-100.